Top Five Songs for New Year's Eve

I found my 2013 list of resolutions while I was cleaning out my desk this afternoon. I am posting a picture of it here.

Not bad, huh? I did the first two and my attempt at the fourth is, quite frankly, left to the beholder.



But it's Number Three that's been pestering me a bit. I've gone out of my way to be nicer to people. I've held my tongue when perhaps I shouldn't.


I'm really not into that anymore. Nothing leads to more sleepless nights than "I should have..." and nothing makes me say "I should have" more than knowing some dickhead got one over on me.

So no more.


I now present my resolution for 2014:

I will carry an axe with me everywhere I go. And if you rub me the wrong way, I will chop your head off.

Make the necessary adjustments.

And just to keep it light, I present you with my New Year's Resolution for 1998, something else I found this afternoon. Enjoy.

 

People, I'm just saying: If there are two things I'd like to implore you to add to your list of resolutions, one would be to try to use less adverbs. Seriously. The second would be to try not to be a dick this year. Really. Just stop being a dick.

 

Or else I will chop off your fucking head.

 

TOP FIVE SONGS FOR NEW YEAR'S

 

5. "Happy New Year" by ABBA

 



Yeah... we all have secrets.

TOP FIVE SONGS REGARDING JFK'S TRIP TO DALLAS - 50 YEARS OF HITS AND MISSES

I grew up in a little Midwestern town named Dallas, which is an Eastern outpost in a vast land mass known as Texas. The history of Dallas is a touch spotty, with not much happening there previous to the 1960s. The city's founder, John Neely Bryan, named it after someone nobody can agree upon. It's main function was to be a river city with access to the Gulf of Mexico. It finally grew because a railroad terminus overstayed its welcome when the railroad went belly up and couldn't complete it's journey to Fort Worth.

Those mistakes aside, Dallas hit national headlines when two scrappy denizens from the troubled Trinity River bottoms decided to pick themselves up by their boot straps. Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow helped many banks alleviate their load during the Depression and did their part to redistribute the wealth. However, the crooked forces behind Texas law didn't care much for that kind of talk back in those days. They snuck up behind them on a Louisiana roadside and that was that.

Things stayed pretty quiet in Dallas for the next few years. A small football team made the most noise until a few newsmakers hit the scene. Stanley Marcus, a storekeeper. Gen. Edwin Walker, a self-described patriot. HL Hunt, a bowtie aficianado.

But there was one man in Dallas who knew that history was for those who reached out and took it. One man who knew that if you didn't play an instrument or know how to write good or can't manage money properly, there are limited outlets to greatness.

That man was Lee Harvey Oswald.

Since that fateful Friday afternoon, many have speculated on how the world changed. Even more have asked "what if?" And yet, even more in the past few years have asked the most haunting question of all: "Who is John F. Kennedy?" But I assure you, history was changed on that day.

If you believe the author of one of the biggest time-wasting novels of the 21st century, many earthquakes would have destroyed the world if Oswald hadn't been such a good shot. No one wants that. Another argument: we may not have gone into Vietnam. Can you imagine a world without Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, or Country Joe MacDonald's "Feel Like I'm Fixin to Die Rag?" Can you imagine how bad tourism in Dallas would have suffered, with only a shitty TV show in the 80s and a couple of Super Bowl rings to show for all its troubles?

There is a bright side to every situation. A silver lining shining through those dark clouds. For just remember, every rainy day will clear up eventually. And when it does, you can remove the bubble top from your Lincoln and take a drive through sunny downtown.

And when you do, be sure to turn up the music.

TOP FIVE "HITS" INSPIRED BY THE ASSASSINATION OF JFK

 

5. "THE BALLAD OF JACK RUBY" by OZZIE

Man, history gives some guys all the breaks, and then takes a collective dump on other guys. Jacob Rubenstein gets no love, portrayed for all eternity as some wormy hanger-on with a night club. But The Carousel Club was no ordinary night club. Regular nights at the little joint across from the Adolphus featured an act showcasing comedians, singers, strippers and a ventriloquist. Not just your average Saturday at the bingo parlor, I dare say. Anyhow, after the assassination, he closed the club for the weekend, locked his dog in a car parked outside the courthouse, and went downstairs to give Lee Harvey the old "South Dallas Hello." His first visitor in jail was Joe Campisi, Dallas crime family capo. Died of some mysterious illness he claimed was injected into him. To make matters worse, was played by Danny Aiello in a poorly-researched film in 1992.

 

4. "LEE HARVEY" by THE ASYLUM STREET SPANKERS

Dude says to hell with the United States in the height of McCarthy era paranoia, as the Cold War is just cranking up the AC. He moves to Russia, picks up a family and moves back. Beats the shit out of his wife, passes out pro-Castro pamphlets, hangs out with a Russian emigre (with ties to both GHW Bush and Jackie K) and shoots a crazy fascist politician. The FBI had files on him and "kept missing him" on routine visits to his house.

To me, the scariest thing about the entire JFK assassination is not some vast conspiracy, but how the Little Assassin Who Could shone a light on just how inept the FBI really was back in those days.

 

"THE BALLAD OF PETER PUMPKINHEAD" by XTC

One of the coolest aspects of history is how malleable it becomes over the years. Think about it: Memoirs that his image began to wane. Followed up with the overnight success of Birth of a Nation and years of romanticism, William Tecumseh Sherman is the most vilified historical figure below the Mason-Dixon.

Sherman burned the South, but after the war was celebrated as a hero for years. It wasn't until Jefferson Davis took a college tour and Sherman's own

The fascination with JFK's murder has undergone a similar shift throughout time. In the 90s, Oliver Stone's shitfest of a film coincided with heightened conspiracy theories and impassioned pleas for the truth. Fast-forward to the current era -- one rife with YouTube videos and gifs -- and you find a culture far removed from the stolen idealism of the Sixties or the conspiracy obsessions of the Nineties, but instead an audience captivated by head wounds and gut shots.

 

"I'M GLAD I'M NOT A KENNEDY" by SHONA LAING

But the greatest fear is not the Russians anymore. Nor is it the Cubans. The Mafia is no longer pervasive, except for Sopranos reruns on HBO. As mentioned earlier, it would be ridiculous to assume that an organization so bumbling and inept as the federal government could ever have pulled off an assassination of that scale and kept quiet about it for fifty years. LBJ had the means, motive, and know-how, but the graduate of an East Texas teacher's college and idealistic Master of the Senate operated by a different code and would never have ordered that trigger pulled. JR Ewing... nah.

No, those are no longer the great fears we face. While everyone prepared for one of those evils, in came the little guy with a gun and a desperate need to matter. That's who fired those shots on the Friday in 1963 and he fired them again  at Reagan in 81 and again in Columbine and again in Newtown, Connecticut.

It's easy to be afraid of vast conspiracies or criminal organizations. It's fun to imagine a terrible nation with an ideals counter to your own. But you are afraid of the wrong thing. THAT'S what the government does not want you to know. THAT'S the big secret.

 

"BULLET" by The Misfits

JFK jerked "back and to the left" because he wore a dibilitating back brace, due to injuries he sustained saving his shipmates on PT 109. The brace prevented his body from lurching forward during the fatal headshot. People heard multiple shots because they experienced shock from what had just happened. (Try counting gunshots sometime. You never get it right.) Also, the "canyon effect" in Dealey Plaza creates an echo. The FBI "lost" Jim Hosty's files on Oswald because they were trying to cover up their own stupidity.

No one is more bummed out by a lack of a vast conspiracy than me. I wish there were puzzle pieces and intrigue and missing witnesses... Instead, what we have is fifty times scarier:

A lone gunman.

 

 

 

Please catch my short fiction piece "November," due out in Pulp Modern #6, the Winter Issue. Also, for more on lone sociopaths, be sure to check out my forthcoming novel DIRTBAGS which will be published in the Spring of 2014. All of my credits are available at www.erykpruitt.com



THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR (PART II)

I've written before about how much I love October and how I think Halloween is so awesome, we should give and receive presents. In order to preserve this sentiment, I will now attempt to make the great Autumn holiday as commercial as its wintertime cousin.

Please allow me to present:

TOP FIVE GIFTS TO GIVE DURING HALLOWEEN

2013

(In no order)

 

5. GRIM HYMNS: A Southern Gothic Comic by Col. J.D. Wilkes

I've long been a fan of J.D. Wilkes' music. The frontman for both Th' Legendary Shack Shakers and The Dirt Daubers has explored and translated every nuance of Southern music: bluegrass, blues, swamp, country... to name a scant few. Not only is he an accomplished musician, but a filmmaker,

author, and cartoonist.

Illustrated by Wilkes himself, the book contains graphic renditions of murder ballads, ghost stories and folklore relating to Western Kentucky, where he lives. He recounts the story of Roderick Ferrell through sheet music accompanying his hit, "Blood on the Bluegrass." Lots of Southern horrors abound!

Wilkes financed Grim Hymns via a successful Kickstarter campaign. Not only did donors receive a copy of the "Kentucky-Fried Folklore" book, but their names were listed inside the cover. The first issue is still available on his website, while supplies last.

 

4. SOUTHERN GOTHIC ANTHOLOGY by New Lit Salon Press 

We here in the South don't need sparkly vampires or hunky werewolves to scare the hell out of each other. We got plenty things to spook us all twelve months of the year. Out here, things bite. Spiders, black snakes, rattlers... We got crazy people, crazy people that do all sorts of crazy things. We got ghost stories, juju witches, and drunk uncles. We've got plenty to scare us without making our vampires glow in the dark.

Southern Gothic is a genre that rests on the state line separating horror from grotesque. It brings reality and blends it with mysticism. Southern Gothic should scare the hell out of you because it can really happen. I've written about my views on Southern Gothic before.

One excellent gift this Halloween is The Southern Gothic anthology by New Lit Salon Press. Brian Centrone and Jordan M. Scoggins spent the early part of 2013 reading and selecting stories they felt best captured the genre. From the spooky to the surreal, they feature top-notch fiction ranging from Hardy Jones' "Visiting Cormierville" to Zachary Honey's "Her Prince Charming" to "Instrument" by Mark Pritchard. Original art by Nathan Mark Phillips raises the bar, making it perfect for any coffee table.

Oh... and my short fiction piece "Them Riders," which is a horror update on Robert Penn Warren's first novel, Night Rider.

It's available in both e-formats and print and would make the perfect October gift.

 

3. SEVEREST INKS SHORTS by Khalid Patel

I've written before about my adoration for Khalid Patel's prose in his debut novel, Hollow Shotguns. "Dr. Craine's Body" recalls the best of Edgar Allan Poe's fiction. "Red," a skillful update of a children's tale, leads us into Riverstones City, a crime-ridden Gotham. Patel recently edited work from an outside author with "June in July," a taut, tense stroy from Hunter Heath.

Since the release of that horror classic, he's gone on to produce several short novellas in the gothic tradition that bridge the gap between horror and literary.

Patel represents a new age in fiction. He examines traditional fiction and turns it on its head with technology and innovation. His voice is one that will be heard for a long time.

 

2. MIDNIGHT BLOOD by The Mission Creeps

In Tucson, Arizona, you can have Halloween all year long, thanks to The Mission Creeps. While previous generations got The Misfits, The Cramps, and The Meteors, we have our own inductees to the horror rock Hall of Fame walking among us. Their first album, In Sickness and Health combined horror noir and blues riffs with twisted lyrics and wicked bass. They followed up with Dark Cells which offers what Ennio Morricone may have sounded like if he liked scaring the shit out of people. Last year's Halloween gives us creepy music for any haunted house.

But their latest release, Midnight Blood, is where it's at. Their ballad to "Johnny Cash" makes you miss the original Man In Black. The biting satire in "Can't Find Any Brains" actually makes you feel sorry for the flesh-eating undead. And "She's My Witch" updates the old Kip Tyler classic. You can't go wrong with this album, so buy it today and stick it in a loved one's stocking Jack-O-Lantern.

 

1. FOODIE a short film directed by Christopher G. Moore, written by Eryk Pruitt

We all know foodies, don't we? They order the best wine, know everything about food and constantly pine for more bacon. Nothing scares me more than a table full of foodies because I have no doubt they wonder what kind of wine goes best with my flesh and meat.

How long would they let my bones simmer in the pot to get the best stock?

Which organ would they pair with stone-ground grits?

Would they certify me organic?

These questions and more are realized in the dark comedy, horror cult classic "Foodie," starring Nick Karner, Tracey Coppedge, Meredith Sause and an uber-talented ensemble cast of hilariously spooky actors.

Released in 2012, it screened in over fifteen film festivals across the country and received top prizes for seven of them (and counting). You've heard about the film, but have you actually seen it? Buy the film today, and let me know how you would prefer to cook a loved one!

 

 

 

Am I missing any awesome Halloween presents? Please let us know what they are in the comments below!

 

 

THE BEST MONTH EVER INVENTED -- TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT OCTOBER

Dude, this is the best month ever.
Back when I was a Texan, I used to love October because it meant the end of a five-month long onslaught of heat and rattlesnakes and dust storms and hyperbole. I mean, October came and we could finally get it down into the nineties for a while before Thanksgiving.
Now that I'm a North Carolinian, autumn means something totally new to me. This shit where the leaves change colors is amazing. (In Texas, leaves turn brown then fall off) The weather is perfect. And may I say, everything is HAUNTED, which makes it better.
(PERSONAL NOTE: I was pleased as punch that the production of my first film FOODIE (dir. by Christopher G. Moore) was pushed back into Fall which allowed us to get very colorful exteriors ... happy circumstance!)
Fall... while it may not be the best month to hide a body, it's an awesome month for the body to come back to life to exact revenge. While it may not be the optimal gift-giving month, it is perfectly acceptable for those "horror-inclined." As I said earlier, it is the median between the hot and the cold. The bridge between life and death.
All of which culminates with Halloween on the 31st. Halloween is the very epitome of bittersweet, as we see the end of the greatest month, all celebrated with a mighty holiday.
I'm getting choked up.
Turn on the music.

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT OCTOBER

 

10. "Creep in the Cellar" by The Butthole Surfers



9. "Billy's Dead" by Deadbolt

 

8. "This Haunted House" by Loretta Lynn

FIRST LINES IN FICTION - Do They Matter?

How much does the first line in fiction matter? There are no shortages of websites and author resources designed to help a writer make his first sentence matter or sizzle or explode or any multitude of action verbs and any neurotic writer could drive himself up a wall trying to decide which website actually knew anything worth a damn.
I mean, should a writer drive himself into a first sentence-envy frenzy- a paralysis - that keeps them from proceeding to the next paragraph because they didn't write that classic, oft-quoted first line? Come on, true readers know what I'm talking about. Think about the classics, the one you can pull out of your pocket at any time:

"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold."     
                                            -Hunter Thompson, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins."     
                                            -Vladimir Nobokov, Lolita

"Tyler gets me a job as a waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to die."     
                                             -Chuck Pahalniuk, Fight Club

"All this happened, more or less."                                                  
                                             -Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

First lines are a Jeopardy! category. First lines are the bellboys at the door of the hotel, asking you to come in and stay a while. First lines are a fuse the writer lights on the first page what follows will either be a spark, a dud, or a an explosion which leaves your ears ringing for days.
But do they really matter?
Here are some of the first lines I've written and have been published. A link to each story is attached, so I suppose if you click on it, that means it worked.


"The specimen is Sam Tuley, chosen not just for his overzealous sex drive, penchant for alcohol and violence, and inability to make the most of a second chance, but rather because, try as he might, he will forever be damned to a hospital bed with tubes going in and out of him."

"On the third night of rain, we reckoned about thirteen or so Negroes were gone."

"The motel had a washer and dryer, so Melinda Kendall thought it best to take advantage and get after her clothes before they got out of hand."

"Miles Del Riccio stepped out onto his front lawn as the sun peeed over the horizon and was surprised to see his newspaper waiting for him."

Here's some that are available either in print or e-book.

"A woman shielded her baby from the rain."

"The book ended no different this time than it had the previous seven he'd read it." (This story is also being turned into a film directed by Christopher G. Moore.)

"A car full of jailbait whizzed past like a rocket and beeped its horn until it screamed up and down the neighborhood."

In this digital age, battles are waged for the attention span of readers and the first line stands at the front lines. If any of those above got you to click on the link to view the story, then they must have done a good job. Editors, publishers and agents all want to be wowed by that first line and many writers tell horror stories of how stories fall rejected by the failure to capture a reader by the first line.
Curious, I went back to some of the books that "kept me up until five because all their stars are out, and for no other reason." Did these books have some knock-down, drag-out first line that blew the doors off the fiction? You be the judge.

6. Outer Dark by Cormac McCarthy
This is one of the coolest books out there. The premise: brother and sister have relations then have a baby and brother sells the baby to a traveling salesman. Sister goes after the salesman, brother goes

SOUTHERN GOTHIC LITERATURE

Southern Gothic don't mess around.  It's the genre that heard you talked a bit of nonsense about its mother, and now it's coming to give you a what-for.  If it's not the book you're reading, it's the book you wish it was.  Southern Gothic is the set of brass knuckles your cousin smuggled into the fist fight.

Some folks may now begin to ask: What the hell is Southern Gothic?

One of the best quotes used to describe the genre came from Prince of Tides author Pat Conroy
(South Carolina): "My mother, Southern to the bone, once told me, 'All Southern literature can be summed up in these words: On the night the hogs ate Willie, Mama died when she heard what Daddy did to Sister."

Let's break it down.  The Southern part comes easy.  Any of the states which successfully seceded counts, as well as those who were unsuccessful (Kentucky, Missouri, and Maryland).  Add a little West Virginia, a dead mule, and a whole lot of attitude and there you have it. 

The Gothic part is a bit trickier.  Gothic was a literary movement born in the mid-eighteenth century that combined horror and romance, while calling attention to the social ills of its time.  Big names of the day were Edgar Allan Poe, Bram Stoker, and Mary Shelley, of Frankenstein fame. 

Horror brought downriver to the South.  Who can complain about that?

But the "social ills" of the South can make things ... sticky.  There are plenty Southern topics that folks don't discuss in polite company.  Namely race and religion.  But to leave either of those things out of Southern Gothic fiction is to deny the genre its allure.  Also, that pesky little skirmish known as The War Between the States.  It happened.  There were repercussions, as well as resentments.  Every page of the Southern Gothic drips with violence.  And why not?  We write what we know.

After all, this is real Southern, not an issue of Garden & Gun.

There's no point in hiding crazy in Southern Gothic.  Hell, there's no point in hiding crazy in the South.   Somewhere in every Southerner's woodpile is a "grotesque" and it stands out in the fiction to mirror or shine a light on the ills of society.  Flannery O'Connor once said, "Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it's going to be called realistic."
South.  We down here dress up crazy and set it out on the porch with a julep or a glass of sweet tea.  Why hide it in fiction?  In fact, we've given it a name and it's vital to the genre:

But the most spellbinding facet of Southern Gothic fiction is the magical realism.  We're not talking the silliness in the pages of Stephen King's supernatural bestsellers.  No, something macabre and fantastic tickles the imaginations once a reader steps foot among the Spanish moss in the swamps, or crosses the cobblestoned, gas-lit streets of the South.  There's something demented and deranged in the magnolias and chances are, it ain't supernatural.  A HooDoo woman with an itch to scratch.  The restless spirits of town elders looking to protect the citizens from harm ... Is it real or imagined?  Keep turning the pages to find out.

Cypress knees.  A grocery run by the angry town drunk (who happens to be your uncle).  A freak

Don't Judge a State by its Nickname : Top Ten Songs About Tennessee

I don't like to get political, but it's time we give Puerto Rico its due.  The US territory located in the Caribbean often goes ignored, due to its lack of star on our national banner.  For reasons without justification, Puerto Rico gets less representation and respect than Rhode Island or Wyoming.  Also, how fair is it to the rest of tax-paying Americans that Puerto Ricans -- whose main export and cultural contributions to mainland US so far are hot women and superb baseball players -- enjoy all the perks of being Americans (military protection, cheap fruits) without any of the drawbacks (terrorism target, European vitriol)? 

 A further case could be made for Guam.  To have Hawaii be our lone representative in the Pacific Ocean is short-sighted, at best.  No, expanding upon our interstate travel into island nations should be a priority, instead of all this hullaballoo politicians currently worry themselves with.  I suspect the pineapple lobby has something to do with Guam's exclusion, but I can leave that for later discussions.

 The Virgin Islands, the Philippines, Iraq... There are lots of areas that America could add to their flag.  But one glaring roadblock stands in the way: the recall of flags with fifty stars.  One oft-ignored event in history occurred when Alaska and Hawaii were brought into the fold and the riots that ensued when the star count on the national banner was raised from 48 to 50.  The "Forty-Eighters," as they were called, strongly opposed a fifty star flag and took to the streets.  Passions were riled -- so I'm told -- and many good people lost their lives.

 I stand in the current camp that fifty stars is a good round number.  A seventy-five star flag smacks of empire and that's not good for a nation's reputation at all.  Despite the job this would create for all the Betsy Ross' out there, right now what our country needs is stability.  We don't need new stars.

 So I propose that for every state we add, we subtract another.  Maintain the status quo.  For instance, we don't need both a North and a South Dakota.  So in exchange for Puerto Rico, we create one unified Dakota.  For Guam, we surrender the entire state of Delaware, which is already a suburb of New York City.   I propose Florida be fenced off and transformed into a penal colony for the elderly.  Oklahoma should be returned to the Native Americans and renamed East Las Vegas. 

 But as we consolidate our nation to adapt to new changes, there is one state that we absolutely CAN NOT do without: Tennessee.  This is the vast area most people fly over in airplanes on their way from one place to another place.  This is that stretch of stuff you have to pass through to and from family vacations.  This is the land mass supporting Memphis and Nashville.

 This is a beautiful state ... when it wants to be.

 The cultural impact of Tennessee on this country is legion and, while it's Wikipedia page is rife with errors (North Carolina was actually the last state to secede, for starters) there are contributions to Southern culture, and by extension, our nation's culture, that far exceed all other state's shortcomings. 

 So with love, I present you with:

 

THE TOP TEN LIST OF SONGS ABOUT TENNESSEE

 

10.  "Knoxville Blues" by The Hackensaw Boys

The kind folk of Eastern Tennessee have one thing on us Carolinians and that would be their wide selection of high octane energy drinks.  It's as if Eastern Tennessee is the dumping ground for every test market or practical joke.  I've seen the evolution of the Red Bull can from 8.4 oz to venti (12 oz) and even one at  32 oz which resembles a titanium baby's arm, but in Tennessee, they offer one served in a gallon jug sponsored by NASCAR in the cooler previously reserved for milk.  The one I selected was called Team Realtree and it appeared to be marketed to hunters.  On the back of the can boasted a disclaimer: NOT FOR CITY BOYS which I shouldn't have ignored because after two sips I began my next horror script complete with bloody miscarriages and plenty of challenges for the local special effects team.  It felt as if this corner of the country had been set aside as the variable for some freakish psychology experiment, or at the very least, the dumping ground for a nefarious test marketing group.  Wasn't the first atomic bomb built here/  What else did they cook up in these labs?

9.  "Let's Go Burn Ole Nashville Down" by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon

Every state has its civil wars.  North Carolina constantly battles over which end of the state serves superior chopped pork.  If Texas were split by barbecue styles, it could house five different states.  Folks from Shreveport wish New Orleans would secede.  But the music capital of Tennessee has moved from Memphis to Nashville and back again several times.

Back when music was recorded by field musicians and traveling recorders, Bristol could very well have been the music capital.  After all, this is where the Big Bang in Country Music happened.  But over time, Nashville came to represent the interests of musicians, due to its proximity between major markets and the Southerners who made the music that catered to them.  But Memphis' position along the Mississippi river, between Chicago and New Orleans, made it prime real estate for music.  However, Nashville has always responded.
While most music coming out of Nashville (and all current "country") may be shit, there is still quite a scene down there if you look for it.  The Station Inn on Sunday nights has the best bluegrass jam in the nation.  The Loveless Cafe -- home to more than just superior biscuits -- has a rather tidy

FATHER'S DAY: SONGS ABOUT DAD

FATHER'S DAY: SONGS ABOUT DAD

 

This is the weekend where we examine the impact great fathers have made upon history.  From the Bible, where the landscape is littered with the actions of fathers.  Who could forget the long walk Abraham and his son took in Genesis?  Adam, the first father, raised a fine bunch of stand-up children.  And what about the Big Father himself -- Jesus' daddy -- who sent him on an all-important mission?

Chip off the Old Block

Charlie Lawson of Stokes County, North Carolina, probably never got his fair share of Father's Day ties.  Without the seed Marvin Gaye Sr., we would never have experienced the sweet soulful sounds of such hits as "Sexual Healing" or "I Heard it Through the Grapevine."  And who wouldn't want to be adopted by Woody Allen?

But even if your father is a dick, there's still reason to celebrate Father's Day this year.  Remember the end of Return of the Jedi, where after years and years of Darth Vader acting like an asshole, he still lent Luke a hand (no pun intended) when he needed it most.  And after Rick Moranis both shrunk and blew up the kids, did he or did he not seek and find the antidote to return them to normal with no body count?  And on Game of Thrones, even though Dad is absolutely shitty to his midget son and incestuous other children, doesn't he risk life and limb to repel the forces of Stannis Baratheon, the one true king? 

Of course, those instances are from fiction, but it's only one day per year and, nine times out of ten, he's not asking for much.  Just give him a beer and some raw meat and let him be.  And if that doesn't do it, give the bastard what he really needs....

TOP TEN SONGS FOR DADDY ON FATHER'S DAY

 

10. "It Hurts Your Daddy Bad" by The Reverend Horton Heat

I know what you are thinking: why on Earth would I want to hurt my daddy?  But I encourage you to stop and consider this question very carefully.  Think.  Go back as far as your cognizant memory will allow.  If you're like me, you've mentally blocked out several of the reasons.  See a shrink (or two) if you need to.  Hypnotherapy can get most of that out.  Write a book.  If you have to, use the journals you've been keeping since junior high.  Close your eyes and remember.  Got it now?  That's step one.  Step two: wait patiently.  He will not be bigger than you forever.  Bide your time...

 

9.  "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" by Eartha Kitt

One of my lifelong goals is to learn to play this song on the guitar and serenade my father.  Because, after all, he made me this way.  This song combines two of my favorite passions: sultry music and

MOTHER'S DAY... In case your mama DOES dance afterall

There aren't many people who love their mother more than I do.  In fact, I can think of only three people.  ED GEIN, the Wisconsin killer who inspired both Leatherface and Hannibal Lecter was so distraught when his mother died, he began to make a "woman suit" out of the skins of his prey.  All this was to be closer to mom.  OEDIPUS so loved his mother that he took her as his lover after having his father murdered.  NORMAN BATES continued to dress as his mother so that he could both quell her voice in his head and he could kill people without guilt.

In my opinion, all three of those men love their mothers more than me.  Did you see three names that WEREN'T on that list?  Those names would be my two brothers and sister who, no matter how deep I look into the internet, haven't seem to posted any music to dedicate to the woman that brought them into the world. 

Oh well, Mother: nobody's perfect.  You're batting .250, which is still worlds better than Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton.

With no further ado, I present:

TOP TEN SONGS FOR MOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY

 

11.  "Mama's Heart" by Those Darlins

Yes, I know I said "Top Ten," but the woman endured nine months of lugging you around before squirting you free in a mess of blood and muck, whether you were properly raised or not.  You can endure one extra song by the lovely Those Darlins.   

10.  "Hot Little Mama" by Johnny "Guitar" Watson

MOMMA v MAMA.  It's a question we are faced with every day.  If you scoured the annals of music like I do, you will notice the disturbing trend that MOMMA is typically attributed to motherhood, while MAMA is a word you would use for a what those in proper society call a M.I.L.F. (M stands forMAMA) or what those in properer society call a COUGAR.  In fact, most MAMAs can be found at juke joints, bars, or road houses.  Why did a word like MAMA come to represent a sexually charged woman?  I won't dabble into that subject just yet, but you can bet your placenta I plan to revisit it before I let you out of here.  In the meantime,  let's visit the various adjectives used with MAMA when it comes to music.  Why, some MAMAs are "Two Fisted," "Pepper Sauce," "Pistol Packin," "Ding Dong" or even "Drop Down."  In other parts of the country, it is common to have a MAMA be "Fujiyama," "Mamochka," "Piney Woods," "Eagle Eyed," or for God's sake, even "Snaggle Toothed."  Be her "Long Tall" or "Peach Orchard," enjoy both your MOMMA and your MAMA, but be sure to note which is which.

9.  "Mother In-Law" by Ernie K. Doe

If you have a mother in-law half as cool as I do, then you probably make up songs about her all the time.  But for those of you that don't, please enjoy this classic from New Orleans which inspired a great restaurant.

8. "Mother Was a Lady" by Jimmie Rodgers

For those of you who enjoy being a douchebag to a waitress, please keep in mind you that could probably be "The Singing Brakeman's" mother.  It probably isn't, but chances are it's somebody's mother.  And that somebody may be bigger than you.  I don't know how you were raised, but my MOMMA taught me not to go messing with someone bigger than me.  Or a guy who sings a lot about his mother.

7.  "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

This generation defining hit is one song that just screams for a sequel.  I'd love to hear how Will Smith would sing the song as an adult, and his mother still "ruining his rep."  But, like other songs of the era, would never work with an older audience.  Back in my day, some of the best songs were

Songs to Rock Out on Your Birthday

One thing is true about growing old: It ain't for pussies. 

Today in particular, my right wrist hurts, my back hurts, I expect to hear from my left kneecap sometime today, and since I drank a bunch last night, roses are forecasted for my cheeks. 
But I still have a full head of hair, so everyone can kiss my @$$. 

Just for today, at least.

TOP TEN SONGS TO ROCK ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

10. "Happy Birthday" by The Sugarcubes
There is no acceptable reason to include this song on this list... except one.  A lot of times, Bjork sounds like

she is having a stroke.  And to me, that is funny and on my birthday I like to laugh.  But one time, on my birthday, when I was younger and more fascinated with illicit substances, I actually understood what she said.  So every year, I like to challenge myself and if I can understand what Bjork is saying, then I am not properly behaving for a man's birthday.  Now, off to see JoJo so I can listen to some Sugarcubes...

9. "Happy Birthday" by Altered Images
When I listen to this song, I think of all the regrets I've had in life.  One that springs immediately to mind is my failure to build a time machine.  First thing I would do with a time machine is go back to high school and get all of the answers right on my history tests.  Second thing I would do is go back and stop each member of this band from being born.

8. "It's my Party" by Leslie Gore
Enough said.

7. "16 Candles" by the Crests
I would have loved to have gone to high school in a John Hughes film.  Seriously.  All the chicks were good looking and easy and all of the dudes were pussies.  I would have been like a god in that high school.  I would have been like the guy who shows up with a lighter and amazes the cave men.  Think about it: the only guy in Saturday detention with half a cock was the principal.  The only person with a scintilla of a cock in Some Kind of Wonderful was the drummer girl.  And don't get me started on Home Alone.  But this is about the music and the song is kind of groovy, so happy birthday.

Top Ten Songs about Durham, NC

For the first time ever, I have enjoyed watching a community grow over the past five years.  I have lived all over the South.  My hometown was destroyed by a tornado and is now a shadow of what it once was (and it was never much to begin with).  I lived in antediluvian New Orleans (and honestly, would probably kill to live there now).  I summered in St. Louis during the flood of 1993 and lived in Dublin, Ireland, before the Celtic Tiger was declawed.

But my time in Durham has shown me that not all cities go directly to the toilet.  When I first moved here in February of 2007, our downtown consisted of little more than boarded-up businesses, one-way thoroughfares leading to nowhere and street corners manned by drug dealers.  The Carolina Theater had yet to reopen its doors and the only place to eat was Rue Cler, an oasis in a desert of despair. 

 In less than two years, the transformation was magic.  The restaurant and bar scene downtown became transformed in what feels like overnight.  The Durham Performing Arts Center is in the top five live venues in the nation.  The Carolina Theater has some of the most impressive programming in the South, especially if you are a horror aficionado (Thanks Retrofantasma!). 

 But still, age-old stereotypes exist, especially when you are dealing with students from neighboring communities who would rather perpetuate stereotypes their mommas taught them, than perform real journalism.  The Daily TarHeel, a publication one step beyond (or behind) the most banal of student blogs, printed an article the other day which slams Durham, despite its growth and progress.  I only moved here six years ago, but I actually found myself offended.

Then I stopped to think about what I needed from Chapel Hill.  I came up with two answers: Local 506, and they stand between me and Carrboro.  I admit, sometimes Franklin St., despite being frozen in the 1990s, is fun to drive down on my way to the Cat's Cradle or the ArtsCenter, but as far as the rest of it goes, I don't need it.  For the rest of my days, if I have to meet someone in Chapel Hill, I will be packing a lunch or carrying a flask, because I will not spend one dollar there. 

And if I do go, I'm rounding up my biggest, baddest, pipe-hittingest criminals, so hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Chapel Hill.  And to pump ourselves up for the ride, we will be slipping into the tape deck:

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA

10. "NIGHTRIDE" by Th' Legendary Shack Shakers

While it's a bit of a stretch, this song is actually about Western Kentucky tobacco farmers and their battle with JB Duke's American Tobacco Company during the Black Patch Tobacco War during the early 1900s.  You see, before Duke was a basketball powerhouse, it was a tobacco monopoly, and the farmers in Western Kentucky feared their prices were being set too low for them to earn a decent living.  So they banded together, donned hoods, and rode through the countryside, terrorizing farmers who cooperated with Duke.  Not only did these events inspire the lyrics of Col. JD Wilkes and his Legendary Shack Shakers, but also Robert Penn Warren's first novel, Night Riders.

9. "SWEET HONEY HOLE" by Blind Boy Fuller

Imagine Rigsbee Street in its heyday, back in the 20s-30s, the air rich and sweet with the smell of Brightleaf tobacco...  Come auction time, a man was sometimes holding his entire year's pay right there on the "troubled" streets of Durham.  Farmers, auctioneers, warehouse managers... they weren't the only ones manning the streets.  Come auction time, those streets would also be teeming with people who aimed to separate those folks from their money.  I can only imagine the scene as fun and rowdy, especially when you add the blues musicians to the mix.  Blind Boy Fuller is one of the Piedmont bluesmen who made their living playing in tobacco warehouses and along Rigsbee Street back then, alongside folk such as Sonny Terry and the Reverend Gary Davis.  And much in the tradition of great bluesmen of that era, his grave in Durham is unmarked. 

8. "WELCOME 2 DURHAM" by Little Brother featuring Big Daddy Kane

I can't stand rap music, but in the wake of the Daily Tar Heel article, I am perfectly fine with them building speakers and playing this song on a continuous loop right there at the I-40 border between

GUNS, GIRLS, and ZOLOFT - A 21st Century Love Song

Recent developments in our country has put the Second Amendment smack dab on the cover of magazines and newspapers all over again.  Rational people disagree on a myriad of issues surrounding the problems, or even which problems need addressing.  One thing I know for certain: I would never want the job of having to propose gun control in this country, nor would I want the job of having to address it to the people in this country.  That's a hard job and I'm glad they've put a smart fellow in there to do it.

 

What I hope doesn't happen is that gun control proposals are put in place and, after months or years of fighting and debating and screaming and protesting, new rules are enacted and everyone pats themselves on the back, wipes the dust from their hands and says "Good job," then goes out for a beer.  Because, if you ask me, guns are only half the equation. 

 

The real problem is that people are fucking crazy.  However, no one has proposed a way to legislate crazy.  And I'm not talking hobos getting sent from asylums once funding is cut, I'm talking people being born crazy, being allowed to live crazy, and staying crazy until they are sent to public institutions which are, lo and behold, packed to the gills with other crazy people.

 

And some of them, thanks to big Pharmaceutical companies, have been put on tons of drugs.

 

No, gun control is nowhere near the end-all be-all to this problem.  But it's a start and I don't envy our president's job right now, but I know the best man is in place to do it.  I myself, a loud proponent of population control or the apocalypse (whichever comes first), am probably the last person who's opinions should be noted.

 

But, since you asked...

 

THE TOP TEN SONGS FOR ARMED, CRAZY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO "GET" THE GIRL

Love Songs for the Pharmaceutical Generation

 

10. "Used to Love Her" by Guns And Roses

I know, I know, Axl Rose claims this song is about his dog, but his track record with girls speaks for itself.  An incident with a gun and his first wife damned the marriage and another early paramour referred to their relationship as "putting a nuclear warhead in your living room and hitting it with a hammer and just waiting."  As if that wasn't enough, he got his ass beat by Tommy Hilfiger.  To prove karma's existence, check him out now and tell me he hasn't gotten his.

9. "Shoot Her With the Good Handgun" by Jay Munly

Because no girl of mine will stand to be shot with the bad handgun.  Which reminds me: Want to know what "gun control" at my house is?  The missus said I can't have both a gun AND a bourbon