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One thing is true about growing old: It ain't for pussies. Today in particular, my right wrist hurts, my back hurts, I expect to hear from my left kneecap sometime today, and since I drank a bunch last night, roses are forecasted for my cheeks.
But I still have a full head of hair, so everyone can kiss my @$$.
Just for today, at least.
TOP TEN SONGS TO ROCK ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
10. "Happy Birthday" by The Sugarcubes
There is no acceptable reason to include this song on this list... except one. A lot of times, Bjork sounds like
she is having a stroke. And to me, that is funny and on my birthday I like to laugh. But one time, on my birthday, when I was younger and more fascinated with illicit substances, I actually understood what she said. So every year, I like to challenge myself and if I can understand what Bjork is saying, then I am not properly behaving for a man's birthday. Now, off to see JoJo so I can listen to some Sugarcubes...
9. "Happy Birthday" by Altered Images
When I listen to this song, I think of all the regrets I've had in life. One that springs immediately to mind is my failure to build a time machine. First thing I would do with a time machine is go back to high school and get all of the answers right on my history tests. Second thing I would do is go back and stop each member of this band from being born.
8. "It's my Party" by Leslie Gore
Enough said.
7. "16 Candles" by the Crests
I would have loved to have gone to high school in a John Hughes film. Seriously. All the chicks were good looking and easy and all of the dudes were pussies. I would have been like a god in that high school. I would have been like the guy who shows up with a lighter and amazes the cave men. Think about it: the only guy in Saturday detention with half a cock was the principal. The only person with a scintilla of a cock in Some Kind of Wonderful was the drummer girl. And don't get me started on Home Alone. But this is about the music and the song is kind of groovy, so happy birthday.
6. "Happy Birthday to Me" by Cracker
Yes, speaking of time machine... Welcome back to 1995.
5. "Happy Birthday" by Loretta Lynn
This lady rocks. BUT BE WARNED: not all coal-miner's daughters are this articulate. Life lesson, and yet again, one I would love a time machine to go and unlearn. Learn from my mistakes: A coal-miner's daughter with teeth is not necessarily a good thing.
4. "Happy Birthday, You're Not Special" by NoFX
Or better yet, the live version. I think this should replace the traditional "Happy Birthday" song sung over candlelit birthday cakes. Seriously, I rarely understand the public display on most people's birthdays. Like the common practice in the African-American community of safety-pinning dollars to one's chest on their birthday... You know what the last thing I want to be on my birthday is? Fuckin' mugged. That would really suck. No, I don't want a grand hullaballoo on my birthday, so therefore I don't make a big stink of it and should therefore be forgiven for not raising one on yours. Buy me a drink and let's go back to calling each others' mother a whore.
3. "Birthday" by the Beatles
Yeah, yeah, yeah... (see what I did there?) you knew it was going to be on here somewhere. I should drop it down to around where Bjork is, just because I hate Paul McCartney.
2. "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths
I love this song so much, I only listen to it once per year. Back on the time machine motif: it's nice to remember Morrissey when he was still relevant. Seriously, what the hell has happened to this kid? Oh... he got old.
1. "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" by Marilyn Monroe
Va-va-voom. And what better way to celebrate your birthday than to watch someone self-destruct? Watch the video and tell me you don't get a little shiver when the emcee refers to her as "the late Marilyn Monroe." I won't make a time machine reference here, but think: there really is no comparison that can apply to today. What would you have, Beyonce singing to Barack? Doesn't apply. Adele singing to Clinton? (he liked big girls) No, this is a moment in time that cannot be duplicated and we thank youtube.com for giving it to us... abbreviated and bedecked with advertisements. Happy birthday!
Please tell me what I missed in the comments. Word to your mother.
There is no acceptable reason to include this song on this list... except one. A lot of times, Bjork sounds like
9. "Happy Birthday" by Altered Images
When I listen to this song, I think of all the regrets I've had in life. One that springs immediately to mind is my failure to build a time machine. First thing I would do with a time machine is go back to high school and get all of the answers right on my history tests. Second thing I would do is go back and stop each member of this band from being born.
8. "It's my Party" by Leslie Gore
Enough said.
7. "16 Candles" by the Crests
I would have loved to have gone to high school in a John Hughes film. Seriously. All the chicks were good looking and easy and all of the dudes were pussies. I would have been like a god in that high school. I would have been like the guy who shows up with a lighter and amazes the cave men. Think about it: the only guy in Saturday detention with half a cock was the principal. The only person with a scintilla of a cock in Some Kind of Wonderful was the drummer girl. And don't get me started on Home Alone. But this is about the music and the song is kind of groovy, so happy birthday.
6. "Happy Birthday to Me" by Cracker
Yes, speaking of time machine... Welcome back to 1995.
5. "Happy Birthday" by Loretta Lynn
This lady rocks. BUT BE WARNED: not all coal-miner's daughters are this articulate. Life lesson, and yet again, one I would love a time machine to go and unlearn. Learn from my mistakes: A coal-miner's daughter with teeth is not necessarily a good thing.
4. "Happy Birthday, You're Not Special" by NoFX
Or better yet, the live version. I think this should replace the traditional "Happy Birthday" song sung over candlelit birthday cakes. Seriously, I rarely understand the public display on most people's birthdays. Like the common practice in the African-American community of safety-pinning dollars to one's chest on their birthday... You know what the last thing I want to be on my birthday is? Fuckin' mugged. That would really suck. No, I don't want a grand hullaballoo on my birthday, so therefore I don't make a big stink of it and should therefore be forgiven for not raising one on yours. Buy me a drink and let's go back to calling each others' mother a whore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... (see what I did there?) you knew it was going to be on here somewhere. I should drop it down to around where Bjork is, just because I hate Paul McCartney.
2. "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths
I love this song so much, I only listen to it once per year. Back on the time machine motif: it's nice to remember Morrissey when he was still relevant. Seriously, what the hell has happened to this kid? Oh... he got old.
1. "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" by Marilyn Monroe
Va-va-voom. And what better way to celebrate your birthday than to watch someone self-destruct? Watch the video and tell me you don't get a little shiver when the emcee refers to her as "the late Marilyn Monroe." I won't make a time machine reference here, but think: there really is no comparison that can apply to today. What would you have, Beyonce singing to Barack? Doesn't apply. Adele singing to Clinton? (he liked big girls) No, this is a moment in time that cannot be duplicated and we thank youtube.com for giving it to us... abbreviated and bedecked with advertisements. Happy birthday!
Please tell me what I missed in the comments. Word to your mother.
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