FIRST LINES IN FICTION - Do They Matter?

How much does the first line in fiction matter? There are no shortages of websites and author resources designed to help a writer make his first sentence matter or sizzle or explode or any multitude of action verbs and any neurotic writer could drive himself up a wall trying to decide which website actually knew anything worth a damn.
I mean, should a writer drive himself into a first sentence-envy frenzy- a paralysis - that keeps them from proceeding to the next paragraph because they didn't write that classic, oft-quoted first line? Come on, true readers know what I'm talking about. Think about the classics, the one you can pull out of your pocket at any time:

"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold."     
                                            -Hunter Thompson, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins."     
                                            -Vladimir Nobokov, Lolita

"Tyler gets me a job as a waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to die."     
                                             -Chuck Pahalniuk, Fight Club

"All this happened, more or less."                                                  
                                             -Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

First lines are a Jeopardy! category. First lines are the bellboys at the door of the hotel, asking you to come in and stay a while. First lines are a fuse the writer lights on the first page what follows will either be a spark, a dud, or a an explosion which leaves your ears ringing for days.
But do they really matter?
Here are some of the first lines I've written and have been published. A link to each story is attached, so I suppose if you click on it, that means it worked.


"The specimen is Sam Tuley, chosen not just for his overzealous sex drive, penchant for alcohol and violence, and inability to make the most of a second chance, but rather because, try as he might, he will forever be damned to a hospital bed with tubes going in and out of him."

"On the third night of rain, we reckoned about thirteen or so Negroes were gone."

"The motel had a washer and dryer, so Melinda Kendall thought it best to take advantage and get after her clothes before they got out of hand."

"Miles Del Riccio stepped out onto his front lawn as the sun peeed over the horizon and was surprised to see his newspaper waiting for him."

Here's some that are available either in print or e-book.

"A woman shielded her baby from the rain."

"The book ended no different this time than it had the previous seven he'd read it." (This story is also being turned into a film directed by Christopher G. Moore.)

"A car full of jailbait whizzed past like a rocket and beeped its horn until it screamed up and down the neighborhood."

In this digital age, battles are waged for the attention span of readers and the first line stands at the front lines. If any of those above got you to click on the link to view the story, then they must have done a good job. Editors, publishers and agents all want to be wowed by that first line and many writers tell horror stories of how stories fall rejected by the failure to capture a reader by the first line.
Curious, I went back to some of the books that "kept me up until five because all their stars are out, and for no other reason." Did these books have some knock-down, drag-out first line that blew the doors off the fiction? You be the judge.

6. Outer Dark by Cormac McCarthy
This is one of the coolest books out there. The premise: brother and sister have relations then have a baby and brother sells the baby to a traveling salesman. Sister goes after the salesman, brother goes

SOUTHERN GOTHIC LITERATURE

Southern Gothic don't mess around.  It's the genre that heard you talked a bit of nonsense about its mother, and now it's coming to give you a what-for.  If it's not the book you're reading, it's the book you wish it was.  Southern Gothic is the set of brass knuckles your cousin smuggled into the fist fight.

Some folks may now begin to ask: What the hell is Southern Gothic?

One of the best quotes used to describe the genre came from Prince of Tides author Pat Conroy
(South Carolina): "My mother, Southern to the bone, once told me, 'All Southern literature can be summed up in these words: On the night the hogs ate Willie, Mama died when she heard what Daddy did to Sister."

Let's break it down.  The Southern part comes easy.  Any of the states which successfully seceded counts, as well as those who were unsuccessful (Kentucky, Missouri, and Maryland).  Add a little West Virginia, a dead mule, and a whole lot of attitude and there you have it. 

The Gothic part is a bit trickier.  Gothic was a literary movement born in the mid-eighteenth century that combined horror and romance, while calling attention to the social ills of its time.  Big names of the day were Edgar Allan Poe, Bram Stoker, and Mary Shelley, of Frankenstein fame. 

Horror brought downriver to the South.  Who can complain about that?

But the "social ills" of the South can make things ... sticky.  There are plenty Southern topics that folks don't discuss in polite company.  Namely race and religion.  But to leave either of those things out of Southern Gothic fiction is to deny the genre its allure.  Also, that pesky little skirmish known as The War Between the States.  It happened.  There were repercussions, as well as resentments.  Every page of the Southern Gothic drips with violence.  And why not?  We write what we know.

After all, this is real Southern, not an issue of Garden & Gun.

There's no point in hiding crazy in Southern Gothic.  Hell, there's no point in hiding crazy in the South.   Somewhere in every Southerner's woodpile is a "grotesque" and it stands out in the fiction to mirror or shine a light on the ills of society.  Flannery O'Connor once said, "Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it's going to be called realistic."
South.  We down here dress up crazy and set it out on the porch with a julep or a glass of sweet tea.  Why hide it in fiction?  In fact, we've given it a name and it's vital to the genre:

But the most spellbinding facet of Southern Gothic fiction is the magical realism.  We're not talking the silliness in the pages of Stephen King's supernatural bestsellers.  No, something macabre and fantastic tickles the imaginations once a reader steps foot among the Spanish moss in the swamps, or crosses the cobblestoned, gas-lit streets of the South.  There's something demented and deranged in the magnolias and chances are, it ain't supernatural.  A HooDoo woman with an itch to scratch.  The restless spirits of town elders looking to protect the citizens from harm ... Is it real or imagined?  Keep turning the pages to find out.

Cypress knees.  A grocery run by the angry town drunk (who happens to be your uncle).  A freak

Don't Judge a State by its Nickname : Top Ten Songs About Tennessee

I don't like to get political, but it's time we give Puerto Rico its due.  The US territory located in the Caribbean often goes ignored, due to its lack of star on our national banner.  For reasons without justification, Puerto Rico gets less representation and respect than Rhode Island or Wyoming.  Also, how fair is it to the rest of tax-paying Americans that Puerto Ricans -- whose main export and cultural contributions to mainland US so far are hot women and superb baseball players -- enjoy all the perks of being Americans (military protection, cheap fruits) without any of the drawbacks (terrorism target, European vitriol)? 

 A further case could be made for Guam.  To have Hawaii be our lone representative in the Pacific Ocean is short-sighted, at best.  No, expanding upon our interstate travel into island nations should be a priority, instead of all this hullaballoo politicians currently worry themselves with.  I suspect the pineapple lobby has something to do with Guam's exclusion, but I can leave that for later discussions.

 The Virgin Islands, the Philippines, Iraq... There are lots of areas that America could add to their flag.  But one glaring roadblock stands in the way: the recall of flags with fifty stars.  One oft-ignored event in history occurred when Alaska and Hawaii were brought into the fold and the riots that ensued when the star count on the national banner was raised from 48 to 50.  The "Forty-Eighters," as they were called, strongly opposed a fifty star flag and took to the streets.  Passions were riled -- so I'm told -- and many good people lost their lives.

 I stand in the current camp that fifty stars is a good round number.  A seventy-five star flag smacks of empire and that's not good for a nation's reputation at all.  Despite the job this would create for all the Betsy Ross' out there, right now what our country needs is stability.  We don't need new stars.

 So I propose that for every state we add, we subtract another.  Maintain the status quo.  For instance, we don't need both a North and a South Dakota.  So in exchange for Puerto Rico, we create one unified Dakota.  For Guam, we surrender the entire state of Delaware, which is already a suburb of New York City.   I propose Florida be fenced off and transformed into a penal colony for the elderly.  Oklahoma should be returned to the Native Americans and renamed East Las Vegas. 

 But as we consolidate our nation to adapt to new changes, there is one state that we absolutely CAN NOT do without: Tennessee.  This is the vast area most people fly over in airplanes on their way from one place to another place.  This is that stretch of stuff you have to pass through to and from family vacations.  This is the land mass supporting Memphis and Nashville.

 This is a beautiful state ... when it wants to be.

 The cultural impact of Tennessee on this country is legion and, while it's Wikipedia page is rife with errors (North Carolina was actually the last state to secede, for starters) there are contributions to Southern culture, and by extension, our nation's culture, that far exceed all other state's shortcomings. 

 So with love, I present you with:

 

THE TOP TEN LIST OF SONGS ABOUT TENNESSEE

 

10.  "Knoxville Blues" by The Hackensaw Boys

The kind folk of Eastern Tennessee have one thing on us Carolinians and that would be their wide selection of high octane energy drinks.  It's as if Eastern Tennessee is the dumping ground for every test market or practical joke.  I've seen the evolution of the Red Bull can from 8.4 oz to venti (12 oz) and even one at  32 oz which resembles a titanium baby's arm, but in Tennessee, they offer one served in a gallon jug sponsored by NASCAR in the cooler previously reserved for milk.  The one I selected was called Team Realtree and it appeared to be marketed to hunters.  On the back of the can boasted a disclaimer: NOT FOR CITY BOYS which I shouldn't have ignored because after two sips I began my next horror script complete with bloody miscarriages and plenty of challenges for the local special effects team.  It felt as if this corner of the country had been set aside as the variable for some freakish psychology experiment, or at the very least, the dumping ground for a nefarious test marketing group.  Wasn't the first atomic bomb built here/  What else did they cook up in these labs?

9.  "Let's Go Burn Ole Nashville Down" by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon

Every state has its civil wars.  North Carolina constantly battles over which end of the state serves superior chopped pork.  If Texas were split by barbecue styles, it could house five different states.  Folks from Shreveport wish New Orleans would secede.  But the music capital of Tennessee has moved from Memphis to Nashville and back again several times.

Back when music was recorded by field musicians and traveling recorders, Bristol could very well have been the music capital.  After all, this is where the Big Bang in Country Music happened.  But over time, Nashville came to represent the interests of musicians, due to its proximity between major markets and the Southerners who made the music that catered to them.  But Memphis' position along the Mississippi river, between Chicago and New Orleans, made it prime real estate for music.  However, Nashville has always responded.
While most music coming out of Nashville (and all current "country") may be shit, there is still quite a scene down there if you look for it.  The Station Inn on Sunday nights has the best bluegrass jam in the nation.  The Loveless Cafe -- home to more than just superior biscuits -- has a rather tidy

FATHER'S DAY: SONGS ABOUT DAD

FATHER'S DAY: SONGS ABOUT DAD

 

This is the weekend where we examine the impact great fathers have made upon history.  From the Bible, where the landscape is littered with the actions of fathers.  Who could forget the long walk Abraham and his son took in Genesis?  Adam, the first father, raised a fine bunch of stand-up children.  And what about the Big Father himself -- Jesus' daddy -- who sent him on an all-important mission?

Chip off the Old Block

Charlie Lawson of Stokes County, North Carolina, probably never got his fair share of Father's Day ties.  Without the seed Marvin Gaye Sr., we would never have experienced the sweet soulful sounds of such hits as "Sexual Healing" or "I Heard it Through the Grapevine."  And who wouldn't want to be adopted by Woody Allen?

But even if your father is a dick, there's still reason to celebrate Father's Day this year.  Remember the end of Return of the Jedi, where after years and years of Darth Vader acting like an asshole, he still lent Luke a hand (no pun intended) when he needed it most.  And after Rick Moranis both shrunk and blew up the kids, did he or did he not seek and find the antidote to return them to normal with no body count?  And on Game of Thrones, even though Dad is absolutely shitty to his midget son and incestuous other children, doesn't he risk life and limb to repel the forces of Stannis Baratheon, the one true king? 

Of course, those instances are from fiction, but it's only one day per year and, nine times out of ten, he's not asking for much.  Just give him a beer and some raw meat and let him be.  And if that doesn't do it, give the bastard what he really needs....

TOP TEN SONGS FOR DADDY ON FATHER'S DAY

 

10. "It Hurts Your Daddy Bad" by The Reverend Horton Heat

I know what you are thinking: why on Earth would I want to hurt my daddy?  But I encourage you to stop and consider this question very carefully.  Think.  Go back as far as your cognizant memory will allow.  If you're like me, you've mentally blocked out several of the reasons.  See a shrink (or two) if you need to.  Hypnotherapy can get most of that out.  Write a book.  If you have to, use the journals you've been keeping since junior high.  Close your eyes and remember.  Got it now?  That's step one.  Step two: wait patiently.  He will not be bigger than you forever.  Bide your time...

 

9.  "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" by Eartha Kitt

One of my lifelong goals is to learn to play this song on the guitar and serenade my father.  Because, after all, he made me this way.  This song combines two of my favorite passions: sultry music and

MOTHER'S DAY... In case your mama DOES dance afterall

There aren't many people who love their mother more than I do.  In fact, I can think of only three people.  ED GEIN, the Wisconsin killer who inspired both Leatherface and Hannibal Lecter was so distraught when his mother died, he began to make a "woman suit" out of the skins of his prey.  All this was to be closer to mom.  OEDIPUS so loved his mother that he took her as his lover after having his father murdered.  NORMAN BATES continued to dress as his mother so that he could both quell her voice in his head and he could kill people without guilt.

In my opinion, all three of those men love their mothers more than me.  Did you see three names that WEREN'T on that list?  Those names would be my two brothers and sister who, no matter how deep I look into the internet, haven't seem to posted any music to dedicate to the woman that brought them into the world. 

Oh well, Mother: nobody's perfect.  You're batting .250, which is still worlds better than Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton.

With no further ado, I present:

TOP TEN SONGS FOR MOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY

 

11.  "Mama's Heart" by Those Darlins

Yes, I know I said "Top Ten," but the woman endured nine months of lugging you around before squirting you free in a mess of blood and muck, whether you were properly raised or not.  You can endure one extra song by the lovely Those Darlins.   

10.  "Hot Little Mama" by Johnny "Guitar" Watson

MOMMA v MAMA.  It's a question we are faced with every day.  If you scoured the annals of music like I do, you will notice the disturbing trend that MOMMA is typically attributed to motherhood, while MAMA is a word you would use for a what those in proper society call a M.I.L.F. (M stands forMAMA) or what those in properer society call a COUGAR.  In fact, most MAMAs can be found at juke joints, bars, or road houses.  Why did a word like MAMA come to represent a sexually charged woman?  I won't dabble into that subject just yet, but you can bet your placenta I plan to revisit it before I let you out of here.  In the meantime,  let's visit the various adjectives used with MAMA when it comes to music.  Why, some MAMAs are "Two Fisted," "Pepper Sauce," "Pistol Packin," "Ding Dong" or even "Drop Down."  In other parts of the country, it is common to have a MAMA be "Fujiyama," "Mamochka," "Piney Woods," "Eagle Eyed," or for God's sake, even "Snaggle Toothed."  Be her "Long Tall" or "Peach Orchard," enjoy both your MOMMA and your MAMA, but be sure to note which is which.

9.  "Mother In-Law" by Ernie K. Doe

If you have a mother in-law half as cool as I do, then you probably make up songs about her all the time.  But for those of you that don't, please enjoy this classic from New Orleans which inspired a great restaurant.

8. "Mother Was a Lady" by Jimmie Rodgers

For those of you who enjoy being a douchebag to a waitress, please keep in mind you that could probably be "The Singing Brakeman's" mother.  It probably isn't, but chances are it's somebody's mother.  And that somebody may be bigger than you.  I don't know how you were raised, but my MOMMA taught me not to go messing with someone bigger than me.  Or a guy who sings a lot about his mother.

7.  "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

This generation defining hit is one song that just screams for a sequel.  I'd love to hear how Will Smith would sing the song as an adult, and his mother still "ruining his rep."  But, like other songs of the era, would never work with an older audience.  Back in my day, some of the best songs were

Songs to Rock Out on Your Birthday

One thing is true about growing old: It ain't for pussies. 

Today in particular, my right wrist hurts, my back hurts, I expect to hear from my left kneecap sometime today, and since I drank a bunch last night, roses are forecasted for my cheeks. 
But I still have a full head of hair, so everyone can kiss my @$$. 

Just for today, at least.

TOP TEN SONGS TO ROCK ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

10. "Happy Birthday" by The Sugarcubes
There is no acceptable reason to include this song on this list... except one.  A lot of times, Bjork sounds like

she is having a stroke.  And to me, that is funny and on my birthday I like to laugh.  But one time, on my birthday, when I was younger and more fascinated with illicit substances, I actually understood what she said.  So every year, I like to challenge myself and if I can understand what Bjork is saying, then I am not properly behaving for a man's birthday.  Now, off to see JoJo so I can listen to some Sugarcubes...

9. "Happy Birthday" by Altered Images
When I listen to this song, I think of all the regrets I've had in life.  One that springs immediately to mind is my failure to build a time machine.  First thing I would do with a time machine is go back to high school and get all of the answers right on my history tests.  Second thing I would do is go back and stop each member of this band from being born.

8. "It's my Party" by Leslie Gore
Enough said.

7. "16 Candles" by the Crests
I would have loved to have gone to high school in a John Hughes film.  Seriously.  All the chicks were good looking and easy and all of the dudes were pussies.  I would have been like a god in that high school.  I would have been like the guy who shows up with a lighter and amazes the cave men.  Think about it: the only guy in Saturday detention with half a cock was the principal.  The only person with a scintilla of a cock in Some Kind of Wonderful was the drummer girl.  And don't get me started on Home Alone.  But this is about the music and the song is kind of groovy, so happy birthday.

Top Ten Songs about Durham, NC

For the first time ever, I have enjoyed watching a community grow over the past five years.  I have lived all over the South.  My hometown was destroyed by a tornado and is now a shadow of what it once was (and it was never much to begin with).  I lived in antediluvian New Orleans (and honestly, would probably kill to live there now).  I summered in St. Louis during the flood of 1993 and lived in Dublin, Ireland, before the Celtic Tiger was declawed.

But my time in Durham has shown me that not all cities go directly to the toilet.  When I first moved here in February of 2007, our downtown consisted of little more than boarded-up businesses, one-way thoroughfares leading to nowhere and street corners manned by drug dealers.  The Carolina Theater had yet to reopen its doors and the only place to eat was Rue Cler, an oasis in a desert of despair. 

 In less than two years, the transformation was magic.  The restaurant and bar scene downtown became transformed in what feels like overnight.  The Durham Performing Arts Center is in the top five live venues in the nation.  The Carolina Theater has some of the most impressive programming in the South, especially if you are a horror aficionado (Thanks Retrofantasma!). 

 But still, age-old stereotypes exist, especially when you are dealing with students from neighboring communities who would rather perpetuate stereotypes their mommas taught them, than perform real journalism.  The Daily TarHeel, a publication one step beyond (or behind) the most banal of student blogs, printed an article the other day which slams Durham, despite its growth and progress.  I only moved here six years ago, but I actually found myself offended.

Then I stopped to think about what I needed from Chapel Hill.  I came up with two answers: Local 506, and they stand between me and Carrboro.  I admit, sometimes Franklin St., despite being frozen in the 1990s, is fun to drive down on my way to the Cat's Cradle or the ArtsCenter, but as far as the rest of it goes, I don't need it.  For the rest of my days, if I have to meet someone in Chapel Hill, I will be packing a lunch or carrying a flask, because I will not spend one dollar there. 

And if I do go, I'm rounding up my biggest, baddest, pipe-hittingest criminals, so hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Chapel Hill.  And to pump ourselves up for the ride, we will be slipping into the tape deck:

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA

10. "NIGHTRIDE" by Th' Legendary Shack Shakers

While it's a bit of a stretch, this song is actually about Western Kentucky tobacco farmers and their battle with JB Duke's American Tobacco Company during the Black Patch Tobacco War during the early 1900s.  You see, before Duke was a basketball powerhouse, it was a tobacco monopoly, and the farmers in Western Kentucky feared their prices were being set too low for them to earn a decent living.  So they banded together, donned hoods, and rode through the countryside, terrorizing farmers who cooperated with Duke.  Not only did these events inspire the lyrics of Col. JD Wilkes and his Legendary Shack Shakers, but also Robert Penn Warren's first novel, Night Riders.

9. "SWEET HONEY HOLE" by Blind Boy Fuller

Imagine Rigsbee Street in its heyday, back in the 20s-30s, the air rich and sweet with the smell of Brightleaf tobacco...  Come auction time, a man was sometimes holding his entire year's pay right there on the "troubled" streets of Durham.  Farmers, auctioneers, warehouse managers... they weren't the only ones manning the streets.  Come auction time, those streets would also be teeming with people who aimed to separate those folks from their money.  I can only imagine the scene as fun and rowdy, especially when you add the blues musicians to the mix.  Blind Boy Fuller is one of the Piedmont bluesmen who made their living playing in tobacco warehouses and along Rigsbee Street back then, alongside folk such as Sonny Terry and the Reverend Gary Davis.  And much in the tradition of great bluesmen of that era, his grave in Durham is unmarked. 

8. "WELCOME 2 DURHAM" by Little Brother featuring Big Daddy Kane

I can't stand rap music, but in the wake of the Daily Tar Heel article, I am perfectly fine with them building speakers and playing this song on a continuous loop right there at the I-40 border between