Don't Judge a State by its Nickname : Top Ten Songs About Tennessee

I don't like to get political, but it's time we give Puerto Rico its due.  The US territory located in the Caribbean often goes ignored, due to its lack of star on our national banner.  For reasons without justification, Puerto Rico gets less representation and respect than Rhode Island or Wyoming.  Also, how fair is it to the rest of tax-paying Americans that Puerto Ricans -- whose main export and cultural contributions to mainland US so far are hot women and superb baseball players -- enjoy all the perks of being Americans (military protection, cheap fruits) without any of the drawbacks (terrorism target, European vitriol)? 

 A further case could be made for Guam.  To have Hawaii be our lone representative in the Pacific Ocean is short-sighted, at best.  No, expanding upon our interstate travel into island nations should be a priority, instead of all this hullaballoo politicians currently worry themselves with.  I suspect the pineapple lobby has something to do with Guam's exclusion, but I can leave that for later discussions.

 The Virgin Islands, the Philippines, Iraq... There are lots of areas that America could add to their flag.  But one glaring roadblock stands in the way: the recall of flags with fifty stars.  One oft-ignored event in history occurred when Alaska and Hawaii were brought into the fold and the riots that ensued when the star count on the national banner was raised from 48 to 50.  The "Forty-Eighters," as they were called, strongly opposed a fifty star flag and took to the streets.  Passions were riled -- so I'm told -- and many good people lost their lives.

 I stand in the current camp that fifty stars is a good round number.  A seventy-five star flag smacks of empire and that's not good for a nation's reputation at all.  Despite the job this would create for all the Betsy Ross' out there, right now what our country needs is stability.  We don't need new stars.

 So I propose that for every state we add, we subtract another.  Maintain the status quo.  For instance, we don't need both a North and a South Dakota.  So in exchange for Puerto Rico, we create one unified Dakota.  For Guam, we surrender the entire state of Delaware, which is already a suburb of New York City.   I propose Florida be fenced off and transformed into a penal colony for the elderly.  Oklahoma should be returned to the Native Americans and renamed East Las Vegas. 

 But as we consolidate our nation to adapt to new changes, there is one state that we absolutely CAN NOT do without: Tennessee.  This is the vast area most people fly over in airplanes on their way from one place to another place.  This is that stretch of stuff you have to pass through to and from family vacations.  This is the land mass supporting Memphis and Nashville.

 This is a beautiful state ... when it wants to be.

 The cultural impact of Tennessee on this country is legion and, while it's Wikipedia page is rife with errors (North Carolina was actually the last state to secede, for starters) there are contributions to Southern culture, and by extension, our nation's culture, that far exceed all other state's shortcomings. 

 So with love, I present you with:

 

THE TOP TEN LIST OF SONGS ABOUT TENNESSEE

 

10.  "Knoxville Blues" by The Hackensaw Boys

The kind folk of Eastern Tennessee have one thing on us Carolinians and that would be their wide selection of high octane energy drinks.  It's as if Eastern Tennessee is the dumping ground for every test market or practical joke.  I've seen the evolution of the Red Bull can from 8.4 oz to venti (12 oz) and even one at  32 oz which resembles a titanium baby's arm, but in Tennessee, they offer one served in a gallon jug sponsored by NASCAR in the cooler previously reserved for milk.  The one I selected was called Team Realtree and it appeared to be marketed to hunters.  On the back of the can boasted a disclaimer: NOT FOR CITY BOYS which I shouldn't have ignored because after two sips I began my next horror script complete with bloody miscarriages and plenty of challenges for the local special effects team.  It felt as if this corner of the country had been set aside as the variable for some freakish psychology experiment, or at the very least, the dumping ground for a nefarious test marketing group.  Wasn't the first atomic bomb built here/  What else did they cook up in these labs?

9.  "Let's Go Burn Ole Nashville Down" by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon

Every state has its civil wars.  North Carolina constantly battles over which end of the state serves superior chopped pork.  If Texas were split by barbecue styles, it could house five different states.  Folks from Shreveport wish New Orleans would secede.  But the music capital of Tennessee has moved from Memphis to Nashville and back again several times.

Back when music was recorded by field musicians and traveling recorders, Bristol could very well have been the music capital.  After all, this is where the Big Bang in Country Music happened.  But over time, Nashville came to represent the interests of musicians, due to its proximity between major markets and the Southerners who made the music that catered to them.  But Memphis' position along the Mississippi river, between Chicago and New Orleans, made it prime real estate for music.  However, Nashville has always responded.
While most music coming out of Nashville (and all current "country") may be shit, there is still quite a scene down there if you look for it.  The Station Inn on Sunday nights has the best bluegrass jam in the nation.  The Loveless Cafe -- home to more than just superior biscuits -- has a rather tidy Wednesday show.  And whoever the house band at Layla's is will be bound and determined to rock your face off.  From here came Th'Legendary Shack Shakers, Joe Buck Yourself, and Slim Chance and the Can't Hardly Playboys.  No, don't be scared off by the current shite state of affairs in country.  Old time and good music is making a comeback.  And Nashville is still Ground Zero.

8.  "Queen of the Bell Witch Opry" by The Pine Hill Haints  (no video available, so check out "The Bell Witch" by Merle Kilgore)

Tennessee is home to one of the greatest ghost stories in folklore history.  While no two accounts agree, legend has it that John Bell and his family were haunted by what we now call a poltergeist.  Some say Bell was cursed by a witch, others say it was a slave-owner who had been cheated by Bell.  Regardless, strange shit happened and even well-known South Carolinian North Carolinian Tennessean Andrew Jackson was even affected by the Ghost of the Bell Witch when he came to investigate.

Today, there is a historic marker commemorating the Bell Witch, as well as the Bell House, and the Bell Witch Cave.  The area, just a short drive from Clarksville and Nashville, is a worthy tourist destination for people who enjoy the weird and eerie.

7.  "Chattanooga Sugar Babe" by Johnny Cash

As one drives deeper into the mountains of Tennessee, it's difficult not to note that the roadkill becomes more varied and exotic.  I don't think I know what the hell those last two species were. 

6.  "Little Girl of Mine in Tennessee" by Chris Thile and Michael Daves

"... and there you see it, in some roadside family restaurant: the lost gaze, the open mouths... eyes long left void and dull.  This one not even bothering to brush his hair and everyone thanking the Giant Cross in the hills that pants were more than an afterthought.  The syllables in their diction streeeeetch like string cheese, spaghetti, mozzarella oozing from fried cheese sticks.  Sing-song, signifying nothing.  And their children -- thankfully tethered -- the next generation all marching forward, breathing through their mouths, slack-jawed and a touch tardy, into the 21st century, dazed and diabetic.

Someone in their ancestry moved them here.  Early in our nation's history or two months ago, one.  Could that they would, curse them and all their generations, but the heavy lifting on that end was done some time ago.  And hence, they stay." (written from the point of view of Calvin Cantrell, the protagonist of DIRTBAGS, soon to be published)

5.  "Last Train to Clarksville" by The Monkees

Another of Tennessee's great contributions to culture is the Clarksville Writers Conference.  The two day respite in the bucolic riverside town is perfect for both aspiring and established writers.  There is no better opportunity to wander upon great writers like Tom Franklin or George Singleton, telling a story over beers at Kelly's on Franklin Street or outside the Riverview Inn.  The conference at Austin Peay University also gives opportunity to hear query advice from Chuck Sambuccino, meet with agents or see a proper weeping willow.  Nice people run the place and it's not yet overwhelmed with New Yorkers, which makes it well worth the price of admission.

4.  "Memphis, Tennessee" by Chuck Berry

Memphis: whoa.  This is one of the cities so closely identified with the South, that without it, the history of the region is forever scathed.  One of the great river metropolises -- between Chicago, St. Louis, and New Orleans -- it boasts home to a great music and culinary tradition.  Without Memphis, there is no Elvis Presley, no Johnny Cash, no Sun Records, no Jerry Lee Lewis, no Al Green, no B.B. King, no... you get the picture.  While every country boy with a guitar went to Nashville, every Delta bluesman made the pilgrimage to Memphis.  Blues begat Rock And Roll here.

And don't forget barbecue.  A hybrid of Eastern and Western, what reigns supreme here is sauce.  And ribs.  And dry rub.  Where Carolinians dicker about the cut of the pig or the amount of tomato in the sauce, Memphis denizens battle over wet or dry ribs.  In my opinion, there is no loser in this war.  If you've never had barbecue spaghetti, you haven't lived.   

 

3.  "Snaggletooth Mama" by Those Darlins

One of the biggest heartbreaks of the 21st century is the evolution of Those Darlins.  Once, this quartet of pretty girls and hipster drummer added a punky twang to old time hills music.  They were once described (Iforget who did it) as the output of "The Carter Family being kidnapped by The Runaways."  Their debut album is timeless.  It holds nothing but promise for a second album destined to be the masterpiece we've all been waiting for.  The music equivalent of Neo from Matrix, Skywalker from the Disney movies, Jesus from the book in roadside motels.

Pretty girls masterfully adding to the old time pantheon... what more do you need?
Then they went to New York.  They became more inspired by the Velvet Underground than The Carter Family.  Got more Repo Man than The Johnny Cash Show.  Moved out of the barn and into the garage.  Don't get me wrong, their music is still better than a lot of music being made these days.  And the girls are really, really nice when they're on tour.  But they moved in a new direction (and lost member Kelly Darlin) and it doesn't play as well for an old time lover like myself. 

Regardless, they will make millions.  Don't miss a show if they are playing near you.

2.  "In the Hills of Tennessee" by Jimmie Rodgers

It is almost a holy experience to walk the streets of Hohenwald and know that one of my favorite writers has probably taken lunch here or stopped in for a beer.  Or to think that these very same woods may well have been an inspiration for the Harriken or other worlds in William Gay's fiction.  At the foot of the Natchez trace, there is little to remark that a giant from the pantheon of Southern Gothic once lived here, and then later died here.  I have no idea how he would have felt about that, so maybe I should go read another one of his books.

 

1.  "Tennessee" by Carl Perkins

While Tennessee may not have the infectious state pride that people from say, Texas or South Carolina may have, there is plenty to be had.  I blame most of the lack of civic boosterism on the nickname.  "The Volunteer State," while steeped in history, is pretty lame.  In a land that gave birth to rock and roll, that is a carnivore's wet dream, produces literary greatness and has unparalleled natural beauty, it seems they could do much better than "The Volunteer State."  But maybe the guys who created it spent as much time thinking about it as I did writing this piece, in which case, we're left to assume "it is what it is," or "you get what you pay for." 

Take my advice: forget the lame nickname and visit Tennessee.  There's something to do there beyond what your issue of Garden & Gun tells you.  I didn't even cover the rich history and Civil War battlegrounds or douchey restaurants or rich museums... Maybe next time.  But I'll take twenty Tennessees over one New York City any day of the week.