Don't Judge a State by its Nickname : Top Ten Songs About Tennessee

I don't like to get political, but it's time we give Puerto Rico its due.  The US territory located in the Caribbean often goes ignored, due to its lack of star on our national banner.  For reasons without justification, Puerto Rico gets less representation and respect than Rhode Island or Wyoming.  Also, how fair is it to the rest of tax-paying Americans that Puerto Ricans -- whose main export and cultural contributions to mainland US so far are hot women and superb baseball players -- enjoy all the perks of being Americans (military protection, cheap fruits) without any of the drawbacks (terrorism target, European vitriol)? 

 A further case could be made for Guam.  To have Hawaii be our lone representative in the Pacific Ocean is short-sighted, at best.  No, expanding upon our interstate travel into island nations should be a priority, instead of all this hullaballoo politicians currently worry themselves with.  I suspect the pineapple lobby has something to do with Guam's exclusion, but I can leave that for later discussions.

 The Virgin Islands, the Philippines, Iraq... There are lots of areas that America could add to their flag.  But one glaring roadblock stands in the way: the recall of flags with fifty stars.  One oft-ignored event in history occurred when Alaska and Hawaii were brought into the fold and the riots that ensued when the star count on the national banner was raised from 48 to 50.  The "Forty-Eighters," as they were called, strongly opposed a fifty star flag and took to the streets.  Passions were riled -- so I'm told -- and many good people lost their lives.

 I stand in the current camp that fifty stars is a good round number.  A seventy-five star flag smacks of empire and that's not good for a nation's reputation at all.  Despite the job this would create for all the Betsy Ross' out there, right now what our country needs is stability.  We don't need new stars.

 So I propose that for every state we add, we subtract another.  Maintain the status quo.  For instance, we don't need both a North and a South Dakota.  So in exchange for Puerto Rico, we create one unified Dakota.  For Guam, we surrender the entire state of Delaware, which is already a suburb of New York City.   I propose Florida be fenced off and transformed into a penal colony for the elderly.  Oklahoma should be returned to the Native Americans and renamed East Las Vegas. 

 But as we consolidate our nation to adapt to new changes, there is one state that we absolutely CAN NOT do without: Tennessee.  This is the vast area most people fly over in airplanes on their way from one place to another place.  This is that stretch of stuff you have to pass through to and from family vacations.  This is the land mass supporting Memphis and Nashville.

 This is a beautiful state ... when it wants to be.

 The cultural impact of Tennessee on this country is legion and, while it's Wikipedia page is rife with errors (North Carolina was actually the last state to secede, for starters) there are contributions to Southern culture, and by extension, our nation's culture, that far exceed all other state's shortcomings. 

 So with love, I present you with:

 

THE TOP TEN LIST OF SONGS ABOUT TENNESSEE

 

10.  "Knoxville Blues" by The Hackensaw Boys

The kind folk of Eastern Tennessee have one thing on us Carolinians and that would be their wide selection of high octane energy drinks.  It's as if Eastern Tennessee is the dumping ground for every test market or practical joke.  I've seen the evolution of the Red Bull can from 8.4 oz to venti (12 oz) and even one at  32 oz which resembles a titanium baby's arm, but in Tennessee, they offer one served in a gallon jug sponsored by NASCAR in the cooler previously reserved for milk.  The one I selected was called Team Realtree and it appeared to be marketed to hunters.  On the back of the can boasted a disclaimer: NOT FOR CITY BOYS which I shouldn't have ignored because after two sips I began my next horror script complete with bloody miscarriages and plenty of challenges for the local special effects team.  It felt as if this corner of the country had been set aside as the variable for some freakish psychology experiment, or at the very least, the dumping ground for a nefarious test marketing group.  Wasn't the first atomic bomb built here/  What else did they cook up in these labs?

9.  "Let's Go Burn Ole Nashville Down" by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon

Every state has its civil wars.  North Carolina constantly battles over which end of the state serves superior chopped pork.  If Texas were split by barbecue styles, it could house five different states.  Folks from Shreveport wish New Orleans would secede.  But the music capital of Tennessee has moved from Memphis to Nashville and back again several times.

Back when music was recorded by field musicians and traveling recorders, Bristol could very well have been the music capital.  After all, this is where the Big Bang in Country Music happened.  But over time, Nashville came to represent the interests of musicians, due to its proximity between major markets and the Southerners who made the music that catered to them.  But Memphis' position along the Mississippi river, between Chicago and New Orleans, made it prime real estate for music.  However, Nashville has always responded.
While most music coming out of Nashville (and all current "country") may be shit, there is still quite a scene down there if you look for it.  The Station Inn on Sunday nights has the best bluegrass jam in the nation.  The Loveless Cafe -- home to more than just superior biscuits -- has a rather tidy