Somewhere out there, evil elves cackle with glee every time the Muzak supervisor at the mall pops in
the Christmas CD, the same Christmas CD that every other mall uses, every other
supermarket, every other elevator, every other... because they know they are
slowly driving folks mad.
I love John Lennon, but by mid-December, I would rather
declare war than listen to "Happy Xmas, War Is Over" one more
time. It's worlds better than his
counterpart's "Wonderful Christmastime," but listening to the song
repeatedly is akin to waterboarding or other measures of torture that are
against international law.
Frank and Dean and Bing and even Burl Ives are great to
listen to when the mercury dips, but their Christmas carols desensitize a
person to the point where no rational human can hear their voices without
having a holly, jolly stroke.
And I'll choke anyone who keys up anything by an American
Idol or any teenage country star.
Consider yourself warned.
I am not, by any means, a Scrooge. I love Christmas carols. I love the fact that Dean Martin can make attempted
date rape sounds so smooth with "Baby, It's Cold Outside." (Seriously, what is in that drink?) Frank and
Nancy's "I Wouldn't Trade Christmas" is the reason for the season and
Mele Kalikimama most definitely is the thing to say... for about a week in
December. But enough is enough. It's overkill.
It could be that the Christmas shopping season starts
earlier every year, it could be that the songs are old, but most likely it is
that the same songs get played on repeat FAR too often every year.
So I give those of you who like Christmas music but tired of
the same-ol', same-ol', a little gift from me to you to stick under your
tree.
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS
SONGS THEY AIN'T PLAYING IN THE MALL
The Empress of the Blues... What a lady. In an industry that was notoriously unkind to
both women and blacks, Bessie Smith refused to be disrespected or cheated. Known for throwing tantrums in front of a
venue when deals were broken, folks learned quickly not to deny Bessie Smith
what was promised. A wonderful and
amazing career was cut short when, after an auto accident outside of
Clarksdale, she was refused medical treatment by white doctors and forced to
seek help in a black clinic. That clinic
is now a motel down the street from one of the last remaining jukes, further
cementing her place in blues mythology.
There are many songs to choose from on the Blackstone Valley
Sinners' The Cold Hard Truth About
Christmas, but Slim Cessna's haunting lyrics and sad melody juxtaposed
against the holly, jolly-ness
of the season is perfectly poised in "Katie
Dang."
During the Atomic age, a new hero was born in the Christmas
canon: a reindeer who's nose glowed in the dark. No one really questioned this as the US and
USSR stockpiled and tested weapons across the globe, but in the end, Christmas
was saved. If you want to listen to the
tale of everyone's favorite misfit and his exploits, I recommend the Chuck
Berry version, which contains far less saccharine.
What part of New Orleans did Louis Armstrong think to
identify a stranger fiddling around outside his home as Santa Claus? I'm sorry, but if I hear anything a-clatter
outside my window, even on Christmas Eve, I'm reaching for the baseball
bat. This probably explains the coal in
my stocking...
My favorite part of the blues and jazz canon is how they're
never talking about what they're talking about. As far as sexy Yuletide songs go, this blows
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" out of the water. But the way Ella sings makes me wonder if
Santa regrets coming only once a year...
Every line of this song is dirty. Dissecting this song is like a Christmas Kama
Sutra. How in the hell...?
Ahh, the Velvet-Throated One... The man who once made a
heaven all for himself... and the women of the world... He makes Christmas sound so smooth.
In one of the Old North State's finest traditions - the
murder ballad - the story of Charlie Lawson and his family lives on. On Christmas morning, 1929, the tobacco
farmer loaded up his family and took them into town for a photo. Then he brought his wife and seven children
home and murdered them all before taking his own life. The song has been passed down through the
ages and now, I give it to you. Merry
Christmas.
Poor old Lead Belly probably didn't have many merry
Christmases, as he spent a good portion of his life in prison or in
poverty. But the man had the most
interesting life and left a most rewarding canon of songs from many different
styles and genres. This is his only
Christmas offering and one of my favorites to introduce the season.
Holy shit... the best Christmas song of all time describes
Christmas Eve in the drunktank of New York city. Shane McGowan and Kristy MacColl have been
ringing in my holidays since I was a freshman in high school...
If there were videos, I would have included BooBoo Davis'
"Xmas Blues" which is so smooth and moving and magic... even if the
first time I heard it hadn't been in the Shack-Up Inn in Clarksdale, where all
music sounds ethereal. "F***
Christmas, I've Got the Blues" is another amazing number that you can't
carol at the neighbors, performed by The Legendary Tiger Man. But 'Tis the season... tell me what I've
missed!
And Merry Whatever!!!
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