FIVE SUREFIRE AND INEXPENSIVE WAYS TO PROMOTE YOUR BOOK

Hey newly published writers! Let's face it: unless you've got a crack marketing and promotions team, it's pretty damn difficult to get your new novel in front of people. Facebook can only do so much, Twitter is what it is, and what the hell is Pinterest anyway?
Ask any agent or publisher and they will really drive home the importance of the "platform." Platform is one of the most overused words in publishing right now, just behind "paranormal romance." The idea behind a platform is that, along with your work, you bring with you enough expertise and automatic sales to successfully sell your book. Like say for instance you are a well-known foodie, then you've got a great platform to sell a cookbook.
But there have to be other ways to get the attention necessary to help you sell a new book. I will give this information to you for only $235. only $65. ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

TOP FIVE WAYS TO INCREASE VISIBILITY FOR YOUR NEW NOVEL

 

5. A Sex Scandal

Yes, in this day and age, sex still sells. And no kind of sex sells better than the forbidden kind. I mean there sometimes is no better advertisement than getting caught with your dick in something it's not supposed to be in. And even better (for some of you) if there's video proof of said event. But throughout history, there has been no better sales tactic than a good old fashioned sex scandal.

Remember that dude General Petraeus, who fought the Taliban and Al Qaeda and a bunch of other heroic shit? His book did so-so after his tours of duty, but after he got caught with saucy emails... BOOM! That book went off like an IED.

Can you imagine reading Bill Clinton's book had there been no Monica Lewinsky? I couldn't. So if you want to help increase sales and can't afford a top dollar publicist, then go get your fingers in something. But whatever you do, don't forget to get caught!

 

4. An iPhone Video of a Tragedy

Man, these days, no tragedy happens in the world without somebody capturing it on their iPhone or reasonable facsimile thereof. Think about it, if you happen along a burning school bus full of children, whip out your phone and take a picture of it. Better yet, be the ONLY person taking a picture of it. That's right, when Nightline or 20/20 or Al Jazeera show that video on an endless loop, that's your name they have to show in the corner. You can't beat that kind of publicity with a stick. And the bigger the catastrophe, the more visibility you gain from it.

So if you're not lucky enough to wander upon a tragedy, consider creating one. After all, aren't you creative to begin with?

 

3. An Insensitive Tweet or Comment

Think about it. Would you have even known there were Danish cartoonists had they not drawn pictures of the Mohammad? That dude who made the silly video on YouTube got three hundred million more hits than any silly "safe" stuff I'm ever going to produce. No one even remembers liking Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon II anymore, as his later career has totally upstaged the Mad Max days. The sad truth is that one simple insensitive tweet has got legs. It can give you the traction in todays hyperfast world that good, honest work may not be able to generate.

So try it out. There are plenty of pussies out there in the world. Find the group that's right for you to offend. Me, I like going after feminists, because there's usually something stuck up there in the first place. Something like:

"Feminism is just a bunch of silly shit a woman said and did in her past that she's ashamed of now that she's settled down and married."

Or

"Welcome to West Durham, where the women's legs are hairy and the men's aren't."
Or even
"Hey, let's all admit we only fast forward through HBO's Girls to the scenes with Allison Williams."

But that's just for me. You may find it easier to say something insensitive about all sorts of groups. Just make sure you get someone rankled enough to give you the attention you crave.

 

2. Murder Your Wife

This one is tricky. In the state of North Carolina, the wife is technically still classified as your "property," so it is considerably easier to get off the hook for murdering her. HOWEVER, you must be careful, as this is a double-edged sword.

ABC-11 is obsessed with wife-killing murder trials. If you don't believe me, tune in. There's a new one every week. When they can't find one around here, they retry one that got away with it in the past, sometimes three or four times. Lately, there's been a dearth of good wife-killers, so we're borrowing the one in South Africa, Mr. Oscar Pistorius.

But the fact remains: had ANY one of those bastards written a book, it'd be flying off the shelves right now. They wouldn't have to walk into Barnes and Noble, hat in hand, and ask ever so nicely for their book to be carried in stock, placed on the shelf. No, that thing would be on its second or third printing by now.

 

1. A Good Old Fashioned Shooting Spree

 

Eryk Pruitt is a screenwriter, author, and filmmaker living in the woods of Durham, NC with his (still alive for now) wife, Lana and his cat Busey. His new novel DIRTBAGS was just released and he is looking for any way in the world to promote it. Perhaps you can help him. It's available in print, e-formats and hopefully in a tolerant bookstore near you.

LINK TO PUBLISHER: http://www.immortalinkpublishing.com/books.php?id=34

BOOK TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejEmGlhy2PE

GET THE BOOK NOW ON AMAZON: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JGZHXN2

 

 



THE RALEIGH NEWS & OBSERVER SUCKS -- And Other Songs about Things Gone by the Wayside

The dinosaurs. The dodo bird. The Polaroid camera. The Twinkie.  Pluto.

In this day and age, perhaps you crave a bit of stability. It's not going to happen. It's a changing world and, in some cases, it changes much faster than you can process. For instance, I sometimes fail to see the necessity to camp out for the latest smartphone because a new one is just around the corner. By the time I get around to upgrading from Vista, I've completely missed Windows 7. And recently I was told "nobody emails anymore."

What???

I look at the speed that things change and I find myself saying the last words a marked man says to the guy come to kill him: "Wait... please wait..."

But there's one thing that is forever and that is music. Since folks first figured out how to record
music, people like Jimmie Rodgers and Lead Belly and The Carter Family have recorded songs that will remain forever and not go away. But while these songs remain, some of the content has faded long ago. And these songs serve as amber encasing these fossilized remains of institutions long past.

Take for example: The Newspaper. Man, nobody loves loved a good newspaper more than me. I grew up in Dallas and watched two daily papers battle it out for business. I even delivered the now-defunct Dallas Times Herald. But since the so-called death of print journalism, I've watched my current paper (The Raleigh News & Observer) get smaller and smaller, while farming content from

THE END IS NEAR: Top Ten Movies about Pandemics, Epidemics, Plagues and the End of the World

Let's face it: We all have to die sometime, so why not at the same time?

Recently a small bout of H1N1 (swine flu) placed me under quarantine at my house and with plenty of time to study the subject in American cinema. I can't help but think we have it easy, perhaps too easy.

Gone are the days of Spanish Influenza (which ended the first World War) and Bubonic Plague (which changed the diet and trajectory of Western Civilization), when a simple sniffle could instantly blank a third of the planet's human population. What we are left with are watered-down illnesses that couldn't hold a candle to their predecessors... the viral equivalent of Kim Jong Un or Raul Castro.

As our planet bursts at the seams due to overpopulation, we must ask ourselves: Isn't it time for a new pandemic? As the burdens of technology and PROGRESS and civilization threaten to smother us, wouldn't a global reset button be nice? With all the blather and rhetoric about end times around the end/beginning of the millenium, shouldn't we be putting the skates on a new world order?

Don't worry, I'm not a virologist or epidemiologist or anyone who made better than a B in any of my science courses. I've not got a master plan to bring about the end of the world. But don't trick yourself into believing that I'm not ready. Whether it be through zombies, nuclear fallout, or a simple strain of some nasty flu, I'm prepared for the end and I repent daily.

So when you feel that tickle in your throat, draw the shades and get thee to a warm bowl of chicken soup. Hit up the Netflix and learn from your predecessors. There are lots of films out there celebrating sickness at the end of the world, and the good right Reverend has them for you right here.

TOP TEN MOVIES ABOUT PANDEMICS, EPIDEMICS, PLAGUES,

and the END OF THE WORLD

10. THE HAPPENING (2008) 

I can see a lot of people getting bent with this choice. Several folks got upset with Shyamalan's lack of explanation, not realizing that we don't care WHAT caused the event, just what happened. If these things were going on, bringing about the end of the world, I probably wouldn't be glued to CNN trying to figure out the science. No, I'd be running for my life. It's called a MacGuffin, y'all.  
The great George Romero never explained what caused the Zombie Holocaust. You know why? It wasn't important. And in the midst of it all, we'd never know either and the not knowing increases the terror. Man, this was a great flick.


9. QUARANTINE / [REC] (2008/2007)
[REC] came first in Spain, then the Americans remade it as Quarantine. Both versions are pretty tight, but if I had my druthers, the fella who made the marketing campaign for the American version would be shot up with SARS. For the trailer, THEY INCLUDED THE FINAL SHOT OF THE FILM. What the hell? Who does that? So throughout the movie, you are waiting for that shot of Jennifer Carpenter being dragged away

Top Five Songs for New Year's Eve

I found my 2013 list of resolutions while I was cleaning out my desk this afternoon. I am posting a picture of it here.

Not bad, huh? I did the first two and my attempt at the fourth is, quite frankly, left to the beholder.



But it's Number Three that's been pestering me a bit. I've gone out of my way to be nicer to people. I've held my tongue when perhaps I shouldn't.


I'm really not into that anymore. Nothing leads to more sleepless nights than "I should have..." and nothing makes me say "I should have" more than knowing some dickhead got one over on me.

So no more.


I now present my resolution for 2014:

I will carry an axe with me everywhere I go. And if you rub me the wrong way, I will chop your head off.

Make the necessary adjustments.

And just to keep it light, I present you with my New Year's Resolution for 1998, something else I found this afternoon. Enjoy.

 

People, I'm just saying: If there are two things I'd like to implore you to add to your list of resolutions, one would be to try to use less adverbs. Seriously. The second would be to try not to be a dick this year. Really. Just stop being a dick.

 

Or else I will chop off your fucking head.

 

TOP FIVE SONGS FOR NEW YEAR'S

 

5. "Happy New Year" by ABBA

 



Yeah... we all have secrets.

TOP FIVE SONGS REGARDING JFK'S TRIP TO DALLAS - 50 YEARS OF HITS AND MISSES

I grew up in a little Midwestern town named Dallas, which is an Eastern outpost in a vast land mass known as Texas. The history of Dallas is a touch spotty, with not much happening there previous to the 1960s. The city's founder, John Neely Bryan, named it after someone nobody can agree upon. It's main function was to be a river city with access to the Gulf of Mexico. It finally grew because a railroad terminus overstayed its welcome when the railroad went belly up and couldn't complete it's journey to Fort Worth.

Those mistakes aside, Dallas hit national headlines when two scrappy denizens from the troubled Trinity River bottoms decided to pick themselves up by their boot straps. Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow helped many banks alleviate their load during the Depression and did their part to redistribute the wealth. However, the crooked forces behind Texas law didn't care much for that kind of talk back in those days. They snuck up behind them on a Louisiana roadside and that was that.

Things stayed pretty quiet in Dallas for the next few years. A small football team made the most noise until a few newsmakers hit the scene. Stanley Marcus, a storekeeper. Gen. Edwin Walker, a self-described patriot. HL Hunt, a bowtie aficianado.

But there was one man in Dallas who knew that history was for those who reached out and took it. One man who knew that if you didn't play an instrument or know how to write good or can't manage money properly, there are limited outlets to greatness.

That man was Lee Harvey Oswald.

Since that fateful Friday afternoon, many have speculated on how the world changed. Even more have asked "what if?" And yet, even more in the past few years have asked the most haunting question of all: "Who is John F. Kennedy?" But I assure you, history was changed on that day.

If you believe the author of one of the biggest time-wasting novels of the 21st century, many earthquakes would have destroyed the world if Oswald hadn't been such a good shot. No one wants that. Another argument: we may not have gone into Vietnam. Can you imagine a world without Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, or Country Joe MacDonald's "Feel Like I'm Fixin to Die Rag?" Can you imagine how bad tourism in Dallas would have suffered, with only a shitty TV show in the 80s and a couple of Super Bowl rings to show for all its troubles?

There is a bright side to every situation. A silver lining shining through those dark clouds. For just remember, every rainy day will clear up eventually. And when it does, you can remove the bubble top from your Lincoln and take a drive through sunny downtown.

And when you do, be sure to turn up the music.

TOP FIVE "HITS" INSPIRED BY THE ASSASSINATION OF JFK

 

5. "THE BALLAD OF JACK RUBY" by OZZIE

Man, history gives some guys all the breaks, and then takes a collective dump on other guys. Jacob Rubenstein gets no love, portrayed for all eternity as some wormy hanger-on with a night club. But The Carousel Club was no ordinary night club. Regular nights at the little joint across from the Adolphus featured an act showcasing comedians, singers, strippers and a ventriloquist. Not just your average Saturday at the bingo parlor, I dare say. Anyhow, after the assassination, he closed the club for the weekend, locked his dog in a car parked outside the courthouse, and went downstairs to give Lee Harvey the old "South Dallas Hello." His first visitor in jail was Joe Campisi, Dallas crime family capo. Died of some mysterious illness he claimed was injected into him. To make matters worse, was played by Danny Aiello in a poorly-researched film in 1992.

 

4. "LEE HARVEY" by THE ASYLUM STREET SPANKERS

Dude says to hell with the United States in the height of McCarthy era paranoia, as the Cold War is just cranking up the AC. He moves to Russia, picks up a family and moves back. Beats the shit out of his wife, passes out pro-Castro pamphlets, hangs out with a Russian emigre (with ties to both GHW Bush and Jackie K) and shoots a crazy fascist politician. The FBI had files on him and "kept missing him" on routine visits to his house.

To me, the scariest thing about the entire JFK assassination is not some vast conspiracy, but how the Little Assassin Who Could shone a light on just how inept the FBI really was back in those days.

 

"THE BALLAD OF PETER PUMPKINHEAD" by XTC

One of the coolest aspects of history is how malleable it becomes over the years. Think about it: Memoirs that his image began to wane. Followed up with the overnight success of Birth of a Nation and years of romanticism, William Tecumseh Sherman is the most vilified historical figure below the Mason-Dixon.

Sherman burned the South, but after the war was celebrated as a hero for years. It wasn't until Jefferson Davis took a college tour and Sherman's own

The fascination with JFK's murder has undergone a similar shift throughout time. In the 90s, Oliver Stone's shitfest of a film coincided with heightened conspiracy theories and impassioned pleas for the truth. Fast-forward to the current era -- one rife with YouTube videos and gifs -- and you find a culture far removed from the stolen idealism of the Sixties or the conspiracy obsessions of the Nineties, but instead an audience captivated by head wounds and gut shots.

 

"I'M GLAD I'M NOT A KENNEDY" by SHONA LAING

But the greatest fear is not the Russians anymore. Nor is it the Cubans. The Mafia is no longer pervasive, except for Sopranos reruns on HBO. As mentioned earlier, it would be ridiculous to assume that an organization so bumbling and inept as the federal government could ever have pulled off an assassination of that scale and kept quiet about it for fifty years. LBJ had the means, motive, and know-how, but the graduate of an East Texas teacher's college and idealistic Master of the Senate operated by a different code and would never have ordered that trigger pulled. JR Ewing... nah.

No, those are no longer the great fears we face. While everyone prepared for one of those evils, in came the little guy with a gun and a desperate need to matter. That's who fired those shots on the Friday in 1963 and he fired them again  at Reagan in 81 and again in Columbine and again in Newtown, Connecticut.

It's easy to be afraid of vast conspiracies or criminal organizations. It's fun to imagine a terrible nation with an ideals counter to your own. But you are afraid of the wrong thing. THAT'S what the government does not want you to know. THAT'S the big secret.

 

"BULLET" by The Misfits

JFK jerked "back and to the left" because he wore a dibilitating back brace, due to injuries he sustained saving his shipmates on PT 109. The brace prevented his body from lurching forward during the fatal headshot. People heard multiple shots because they experienced shock from what had just happened. (Try counting gunshots sometime. You never get it right.) Also, the "canyon effect" in Dealey Plaza creates an echo. The FBI "lost" Jim Hosty's files on Oswald because they were trying to cover up their own stupidity.

No one is more bummed out by a lack of a vast conspiracy than me. I wish there were puzzle pieces and intrigue and missing witnesses... Instead, what we have is fifty times scarier:

A lone gunman.

 

 

 

Please catch my short fiction piece "November," due out in Pulp Modern #6, the Winter Issue. Also, for more on lone sociopaths, be sure to check out my forthcoming novel DIRTBAGS which will be published in the Spring of 2014. All of my credits are available at www.erykpruitt.com



THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR (PART II)

I've written before about how much I love October and how I think Halloween is so awesome, we should give and receive presents. In order to preserve this sentiment, I will now attempt to make the great Autumn holiday as commercial as its wintertime cousin.

Please allow me to present:

TOP FIVE GIFTS TO GIVE DURING HALLOWEEN

2013

(In no order)

 

5. GRIM HYMNS: A Southern Gothic Comic by Col. J.D. Wilkes

I've long been a fan of J.D. Wilkes' music. The frontman for both Th' Legendary Shack Shakers and The Dirt Daubers has explored and translated every nuance of Southern music: bluegrass, blues, swamp, country... to name a scant few. Not only is he an accomplished musician, but a filmmaker,

author, and cartoonist.

Illustrated by Wilkes himself, the book contains graphic renditions of murder ballads, ghost stories and folklore relating to Western Kentucky, where he lives. He recounts the story of Roderick Ferrell through sheet music accompanying his hit, "Blood on the Bluegrass." Lots of Southern horrors abound!

Wilkes financed Grim Hymns via a successful Kickstarter campaign. Not only did donors receive a copy of the "Kentucky-Fried Folklore" book, but their names were listed inside the cover. The first issue is still available on his website, while supplies last.

 

4. SOUTHERN GOTHIC ANTHOLOGY by New Lit Salon Press 

We here in the South don't need sparkly vampires or hunky werewolves to scare the hell out of each other. We got plenty things to spook us all twelve months of the year. Out here, things bite. Spiders, black snakes, rattlers... We got crazy people, crazy people that do all sorts of crazy things. We got ghost stories, juju witches, and drunk uncles. We've got plenty to scare us without making our vampires glow in the dark.

Southern Gothic is a genre that rests on the state line separating horror from grotesque. It brings reality and blends it with mysticism. Southern Gothic should scare the hell out of you because it can really happen. I've written about my views on Southern Gothic before.

One excellent gift this Halloween is The Southern Gothic anthology by New Lit Salon Press. Brian Centrone and Jordan M. Scoggins spent the early part of 2013 reading and selecting stories they felt best captured the genre. From the spooky to the surreal, they feature top-notch fiction ranging from Hardy Jones' "Visiting Cormierville" to Zachary Honey's "Her Prince Charming" to "Instrument" by Mark Pritchard. Original art by Nathan Mark Phillips raises the bar, making it perfect for any coffee table.

Oh... and my short fiction piece "Them Riders," which is a horror update on Robert Penn Warren's first novel, Night Rider.

It's available in both e-formats and print and would make the perfect October gift.

 

3. SEVEREST INKS SHORTS by Khalid Patel

I've written before about my adoration for Khalid Patel's prose in his debut novel, Hollow Shotguns. "Dr. Craine's Body" recalls the best of Edgar Allan Poe's fiction. "Red," a skillful update of a children's tale, leads us into Riverstones City, a crime-ridden Gotham. Patel recently edited work from an outside author with "June in July," a taut, tense stroy from Hunter Heath.

Since the release of that horror classic, he's gone on to produce several short novellas in the gothic tradition that bridge the gap between horror and literary.

Patel represents a new age in fiction. He examines traditional fiction and turns it on its head with technology and innovation. His voice is one that will be heard for a long time.

 

2. MIDNIGHT BLOOD by The Mission Creeps

In Tucson, Arizona, you can have Halloween all year long, thanks to The Mission Creeps. While previous generations got The Misfits, The Cramps, and The Meteors, we have our own inductees to the horror rock Hall of Fame walking among us. Their first album, In Sickness and Health combined horror noir and blues riffs with twisted lyrics and wicked bass. They followed up with Dark Cells which offers what Ennio Morricone may have sounded like if he liked scaring the shit out of people. Last year's Halloween gives us creepy music for any haunted house.

But their latest release, Midnight Blood, is where it's at. Their ballad to "Johnny Cash" makes you miss the original Man In Black. The biting satire in "Can't Find Any Brains" actually makes you feel sorry for the flesh-eating undead. And "She's My Witch" updates the old Kip Tyler classic. You can't go wrong with this album, so buy it today and stick it in a loved one's stocking Jack-O-Lantern.

 

1. FOODIE a short film directed by Christopher G. Moore, written by Eryk Pruitt

We all know foodies, don't we? They order the best wine, know everything about food and constantly pine for more bacon. Nothing scares me more than a table full of foodies because I have no doubt they wonder what kind of wine goes best with my flesh and meat.

How long would they let my bones simmer in the pot to get the best stock?

Which organ would they pair with stone-ground grits?

Would they certify me organic?

These questions and more are realized in the dark comedy, horror cult classic "Foodie," starring Nick Karner, Tracey Coppedge, Meredith Sause and an uber-talented ensemble cast of hilariously spooky actors.

Released in 2012, it screened in over fifteen film festivals across the country and received top prizes for seven of them (and counting). You've heard about the film, but have you actually seen it? Buy the film today, and let me know how you would prefer to cook a loved one!

 

 

 

Am I missing any awesome Halloween presents? Please let us know what they are in the comments below!

 

 

THE BEST MONTH EVER INVENTED -- TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT OCTOBER

Dude, this is the best month ever.
Back when I was a Texan, I used to love October because it meant the end of a five-month long onslaught of heat and rattlesnakes and dust storms and hyperbole. I mean, October came and we could finally get it down into the nineties for a while before Thanksgiving.
Now that I'm a North Carolinian, autumn means something totally new to me. This shit where the leaves change colors is amazing. (In Texas, leaves turn brown then fall off) The weather is perfect. And may I say, everything is HAUNTED, which makes it better.
(PERSONAL NOTE: I was pleased as punch that the production of my first film FOODIE (dir. by Christopher G. Moore) was pushed back into Fall which allowed us to get very colorful exteriors ... happy circumstance!)
Fall... while it may not be the best month to hide a body, it's an awesome month for the body to come back to life to exact revenge. While it may not be the optimal gift-giving month, it is perfectly acceptable for those "horror-inclined." As I said earlier, it is the median between the hot and the cold. The bridge between life and death.
All of which culminates with Halloween on the 31st. Halloween is the very epitome of bittersweet, as we see the end of the greatest month, all celebrated with a mighty holiday.
I'm getting choked up.
Turn on the music.

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT OCTOBER

 

10. "Creep in the Cellar" by The Butthole Surfers



9. "Billy's Dead" by Deadbolt

 

8. "This Haunted House" by Loretta Lynn