Recently a small bout of H1N1 (swine flu) placed me under quarantine at my house and with plenty of time to study the subject in American cinema. I can't help but think we have it easy, perhaps too easy.
Gone are the days of Spanish Influenza (which ended the first World War) and Bubonic Plague (which changed the diet and trajectory of Western Civilization), when a simple sniffle could instantly blank a third of the planet's human population. What we are left with are watered-down illnesses that couldn't hold a candle to their predecessors... the viral equivalent of Kim Jong Un or Raul Castro. As our planet bursts at the seams due to overpopulation, we must ask ourselves: Isn't it time for a new pandemic? As the burdens of technology and PROGRESS and civilization threaten to smother us, wouldn't a global reset button be nice? With all the blather and rhetoric about end times around the end/beginning of the millenium, shouldn't we be putting the skates on a new world order?
Don't worry, I'm not a virologist or epidemiologist or anyone who made better than a B in any of my science courses. I've not got a master plan to bring about the end of the world. But don't trick yourself into believing that I'm not ready. Whether it be through zombies, nuclear fallout, or a simple strain of some nasty flu, I'm prepared for the end and I repent daily.
So when you feel that tickle in your throat, draw the shades and get thee to a warm bowl of chicken soup. Hit up the Netflix and learn from your predecessors. There are lots of films out there celebrating sickness at the end of the world, and the good right Reverend has them for you right here.
TOP TEN MOVIES ABOUT PANDEMICS, EPIDEMICS, PLAGUES,
and the END OF THE WORLD
10. THE HAPPENING (2008)
I can see a lot of people getting bent with this choice. Several folks got upset with Shyamalan's lack of explanation, not realizing that we don't care WHAT caused the event, just what happened. If these things were going on, bringing about the end of the world, I probably wouldn't be glued to CNN trying to figure out the science. No, I'd be running for my life. It's called a MacGuffin, y'all.
The great George Romero never explained what caused the Zombie Holocaust. You know why? It wasn't important. And in the midst of it all, we'd never know either and the not knowing increases the terror. Man, this was a great flick.
9. QUARANTINE / [REC] (2008/2007)
[REC] came first in Spain, then the Americans remade it as Quarantine. Both versions are pretty tight, but if I had my druthers, the fella who made the marketing campaign for the American version would be shot up with SARS. For the trailer, THEY INCLUDED THE FINAL SHOT OF THE FILM. What the hell? Who does that? So throughout the movie, you are waiting for that shot of Jennifer Carpenter being dragged away
through night-vision goggles and as the movie ends, you realize they've given you the greatest spoiler of all.
Both versions have sequels and Quarantine 2 isn't half bad. It's the perfect movie to watch as you battle your own cold.
8. CABIN FEVER (2002)
Yes, here's a good one. If you're like me, you think of Eli Roth as the Bear Jew, or the dude who made Hostel. But his first film is certainly one of his finest. Classic premise: kids go camping in the woods. People pair up, some fuck, then suddenly, something uninvited ends up in their camp and one by one they are systematically eliminated.
If it sounds cliche, I am not doing it justice. Trust me, this movie will change the way you look at bottled water forever.
7. MULBERRY STREET (2006)
This here is the best infection movie you've never seen.
I'm well on the record for my belief that, if there's one city in the world that's overpopulated (and overblown), it's New York City. If I lived there, I'd lock my one-room apartment door and not answer when my neighbor came a-pounding, asking for sanctuary from the infection. Say there's something turning people into rat-faced killers? I wouldn't know the difference between the effects of the virus and regular New Yorkers. Better safe than sorry. No, I'd lock the door and stay in and watch the other 7 FILMS TO DIE FOR.
6. RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR (2006)
Ah... for a change of pace, we'll head over to the other overpopulated region of the world: Los Angeles. In this sleeper film, someone's launched dirty bombs and folks need to close off their house from the rest of the world. Seal themselves in. Do not interact with others. Trust me: we could do a lot worse than to seal off L.A.
This one's really good. It moves a bit slow, but your finger won't be hovering over the FF button. And the ending is one you don't actually see coming.
5. BLACK DEATH (2010)
Yes, this will pang the old nostalgia nerve. The Black Death. Bubonic Plague. The granddaddy of all pandemics. So deadly, it was immortalized in a children's nursery rhyme. The good old days, when "a pocket full of poseys" was all that masked the rancid smell of massive death from your nose. As nations battled for power across Europe, there was no greater equalizer than this bloody disease. So wide was its scope, that the human diet was forever changed, as fewer people created abundance and we switched from a grain-based diet to meat. What better way to promote social mobility than to ruin up to fifty percent of your nation's population?
4. THE CRAZIES (2010)
First off, Timothy Olyphant is the Sam Elliot of this generation. Second, it's nearly sacrilege to herald a remake over the original, but this flick blows George Romero out of the water. (no pun intended)
A government plane goes down in a swamp and leaks some shady shit into a small town's water supply. Havoc is wreaked.
There are WAY too many surprise kills in this baby for my own tastes, but this is heart-pounding, white-knuckle horror. Dig it.
3. 12 MONKEYS (1995)
This one's got it all: Time travel, Brad Pitt's Oscar nominated rant about drugs, Pandemics and monkeys. Some folks got their panties in a wad because they didn't feel like the bad guy had enough motive to spread the disease. TO HELL WITH YOU. What more incentive do you need? Honestly, if I got my grubbies on a vial of pandemic juice, I wouldn't hesitate to board the first plane to WhoCares and dump it on the lot of you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and brings us closer to God, where we belong.
Or something like that.
2. THE PLAGUE (1992)
This one's a doozy. It's based on the book by Albert Camus, but the setting has been moved to South America. Audiences are treated to a hell of a batch of performances by Robert Duvall, William Hurt and Raul Julia. While it is less commercial horror, like those listed above, this one is more TERROR horror and, in my opinion, is the scariest of the bunch. The treatment of those infected is so realistic and much like what we'd expect to not only see in third-world shitholes, but this first-world shithole as well. As people are packed into a soccer stadium... I should say no more. If you've got the sniffles, you should hit the NyQuil and throw this title into whatever space age movie viewer you choose. No matter how strong the cough syrup, you may not be able to get any sleep.
1. CONTAGION (2011)
I hate this movie the most because it's the perfect outbreak movie. The scale of the pandemic is so severe and horrifying, anyone trying to write about the plague should snap their pencils immediately in two. There is no hope, there is no salvation. A virus has struck the world and we race to find out not only the cure, but the source. I'd be a giant douchecicle if I spoiled the ending, but just know: when it's revealed, I (the writer of FOODIE) am vindicated. I've always known this is how the world would end.
If you watch this movie, you will never get on a plane, visit China, touch another human, or eat in a restaurant ever again.
And if none of this does it for you, watch it just to see Gwyneth Paltrow die. And get her brain cut open. #GOOP
If I sound too callous, don't hold it against me. My entire life has been preparing for the end of times, and just short of the Apocalypse, I have spent my days readjusting. Hopefully it will come in my lifetime. In the event that I am unable to witness it, I have imagined it over and over in fiction. Please check out my dystopian short story "Druthers" in the post-apocalyptic anthology NUCLEAR TOWN USA or "A Way Yet to Go" featured in the anthology BRIEF GRISLYS. That story was adapted to an upcoming horror film directed by Christopher G. Moore of Cinema Fuel Productions, titled "DISENGAGED" and will be out this summer.
I promise not to bore you with stories of hope at the end of the world. Not your daddy's hope, at any rate.
The great George Romero never explained what caused the Zombie Holocaust. You know why? It wasn't important. And in the midst of it all, we'd never know either and the not knowing increases the terror. Man, this was a great flick.
9. QUARANTINE / [REC] (2008/2007)
[REC] came first in Spain, then the Americans remade it as Quarantine. Both versions are pretty tight, but if I had my druthers, the fella who made the marketing campaign for the American version would be shot up with SARS. For the trailer, THEY INCLUDED THE FINAL SHOT OF THE FILM. What the hell? Who does that? So throughout the movie, you are waiting for that shot of Jennifer Carpenter being dragged away
through night-vision goggles and as the movie ends, you realize they've given you the greatest spoiler of all.
Both versions have sequels and Quarantine 2 isn't half bad. It's the perfect movie to watch as you battle your own cold.
8. CABIN FEVER (2002)
Yes, here's a good one. If you're like me, you think of Eli Roth as the Bear Jew, or the dude who made Hostel. But his first film is certainly one of his finest. Classic premise: kids go camping in the woods. People pair up, some fuck, then suddenly, something uninvited ends up in their camp and one by one they are systematically eliminated.
If it sounds cliche, I am not doing it justice. Trust me, this movie will change the way you look at bottled water forever.
7. MULBERRY STREET (2006)
I'm well on the record for my belief that, if there's one city in the world that's overpopulated (and overblown), it's New York City. If I lived there, I'd lock my one-room apartment door and not answer when my neighbor came a-pounding, asking for sanctuary from the infection. Say there's something turning people into rat-faced killers? I wouldn't know the difference between the effects of the virus and regular New Yorkers. Better safe than sorry. No, I'd lock the door and stay in and watch the other 7 FILMS TO DIE FOR.
6. RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR (2006)
Ah... for a change of pace, we'll head over to the other overpopulated region of the world: Los Angeles. In this sleeper film, someone's launched dirty bombs and folks need to close off their house from the rest of the world. Seal themselves in. Do not interact with others. Trust me: we could do a lot worse than to seal off L.A.
This one's really good. It moves a bit slow, but your finger won't be hovering over the FF button. And the ending is one you don't actually see coming.
5. BLACK DEATH (2010)
Yes, this will pang the old nostalgia nerve. The Black Death. Bubonic Plague. The granddaddy of all pandemics. So deadly, it was immortalized in a children's nursery rhyme. The good old days, when "a pocket full of poseys" was all that masked the rancid smell of massive death from your nose. As nations battled for power across Europe, there was no greater equalizer than this bloody disease. So wide was its scope, that the human diet was forever changed, as fewer people created abundance and we switched from a grain-based diet to meat. What better way to promote social mobility than to ruin up to fifty percent of your nation's population?
4. THE CRAZIES (2010)
First off, Timothy Olyphant is the Sam Elliot of this generation. Second, it's nearly sacrilege to herald a remake over the original, but this flick blows George Romero out of the water. (no pun intended)
A government plane goes down in a swamp and leaks some shady shit into a small town's water supply. Havoc is wreaked.
There are WAY too many surprise kills in this baby for my own tastes, but this is heart-pounding, white-knuckle horror. Dig it.
3. 12 MONKEYS (1995)
This one's got it all: Time travel, Brad Pitt's Oscar nominated rant about drugs, Pandemics and monkeys. Some folks got their panties in a wad because they didn't feel like the bad guy had enough motive to spread the disease. TO HELL WITH YOU. What more incentive do you need? Honestly, if I got my grubbies on a vial of pandemic juice, I wouldn't hesitate to board the first plane to WhoCares and dump it on the lot of you. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and brings us closer to God, where we belong.
Or something like that.
2. THE PLAGUE (1992)
This one's a doozy. It's based on the book by Albert Camus, but the setting has been moved to South America. Audiences are treated to a hell of a batch of performances by Robert Duvall, William Hurt and Raul Julia. While it is less commercial horror, like those listed above, this one is more TERROR horror and, in my opinion, is the scariest of the bunch. The treatment of those infected is so realistic and much like what we'd expect to not only see in third-world shitholes, but this first-world shithole as well. As people are packed into a soccer stadium... I should say no more. If you've got the sniffles, you should hit the NyQuil and throw this title into whatever space age movie viewer you choose. No matter how strong the cough syrup, you may not be able to get any sleep.
1. CONTAGION (2011)
I hate this movie the most because it's the perfect outbreak movie. The scale of the pandemic is so severe and horrifying, anyone trying to write about the plague should snap their pencils immediately in two. There is no hope, there is no salvation. A virus has struck the world and we race to find out not only the cure, but the source. I'd be a giant douchecicle if I spoiled the ending, but just know: when it's revealed, I (the writer of FOODIE) am vindicated. I've always known this is how the world would end.
If you watch this movie, you will never get on a plane, visit China, touch another human, or eat in a restaurant ever again.
And if none of this does it for you, watch it just to see Gwyneth Paltrow die. And get her brain cut open. #GOOP
If I sound too callous, don't hold it against me. My entire life has been preparing for the end of times, and just short of the Apocalypse, I have spent my days readjusting. Hopefully it will come in my lifetime. In the event that I am unable to witness it, I have imagined it over and over in fiction. Please check out my dystopian short story "Druthers" in the post-apocalyptic anthology NUCLEAR TOWN USA or "A Way Yet to Go" featured in the anthology BRIEF GRISLYS. That story was adapted to an upcoming horror film directed by Christopher G. Moore of Cinema Fuel Productions, titled "DISENGAGED" and will be out this summer.
I promise not to bore you with stories of hope at the end of the world. Not your daddy's hope, at any rate.
After watching "CONTAGION", I spent the next week using my jacket to touch anything outside my home. And rubbed my hands with a lot of anti-bacterial liquid.
ReplyDeleteShe totally had herpes.
ReplyDelete