CHRISTMAS CAROLS THAT WON'T GIVE YOU AN EMBOLISM

Somewhere out there, evil elves cackle with glee every  time the Muzak supervisor at the mall pops in the Christmas CD, the same Christmas CD that every other mall uses, every other supermarket, every other elevator, every other... because they know they are slowly driving folks mad.

I love John Lennon, but by mid-December, I would rather declare war than listen to "Happy Xmas, War Is Over" one more time.  It's worlds better than his counterpart's "Wonderful Christmastime," but listening to the song repeatedly is akin to waterboarding or other measures of torture that are against international law.

Frank and Dean and Bing and even Burl Ives are great to listen to when the mercury dips, but their Christmas carols desensitize a person to the point where no rational human can hear their voices without having a holly, jolly stroke. 

And I'll choke anyone who keys up anything by an American Idol or any teenage country star.  Consider yourself warned.

I am not, by any means, a Scrooge.  I love Christmas carols.  I love the fact that Dean Martin can make attempted date rape sounds so smooth with "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  (Seriously, what is in that drink?)  Frank and Nancy's "I Wouldn't Trade Christmas" is the reason for the season and Mele Kalikimama most definitely is the thing to say... for about a week in December.  But enough is enough.  It's overkill. 

It could be that the Christmas shopping season starts earlier every year, it could be that the songs are old, but most likely it is that the same songs get played on repeat FAR too often every year.

So I give those of you who like Christmas music but tired of the same-ol', same-ol', a little gift from me to you to stick under your tree. 

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS THEY AIN'T PLAYING IN THE MALL

10. "At the Christmas Ball" by Bessie Smith

The Empress of the Blues... What a lady.  In an industry that was notoriously unkind to both women and blacks, Bessie Smith refused to be disrespected or cheated.  Known for throwing tantrums in front of a venue when deals were broken, folks learned quickly not to deny Bessie Smith what was promised.  A wonderful and amazing career was cut short when, after an auto accident outside of Clarksdale, she was refused medical treatment by white doctors and forced to seek help in a black clinic.  That clinic is now a motel down the street from one of the last remaining jukes, further cementing her place in blues mythology.

9. "Katie Dang" by the Blackstone Valley Sinners

There are many songs to choose from on the Blackstone Valley Sinners' The Cold Hard Truth About Christmas, but Slim Cessna's haunting lyrics and sad melody juxtaposed against the holly, jolly-ness

THE MURDER BALLAD -- 'TIS THE SEASON

A strange tradition seems to pop up every December.  Right around the holidays, in that familiest of family times, folks either reach for the eggnog or reach for the shotgun.  One minute, Dad's asking you to pass the potatoes, the next minute, he's shooting Mom in the face.

The murder-suicide is a hot topic this time of year.  No matter the occasion, the motive, or the location, 'tis the season to take out a couple of family members and then yourself.  Holiday murder-suicides are older than Peanuts Christmas specials.  There's no need to post any recent tragedies because that would just plain be rubbernecking.  But horrible events this time of year have been well documented in both media and song.

Which brings us to today's topic: The Murder Ballad.  Why some murders warrant a song that transcends time and others don't is beyond me, but back in the day and out in the hills, there was no better way to communicate the horrors of a good, honest murder than to sing about it.  The worse the crime, the better the song.

So sit back with someone you love this holiday season and, rather than club them to death, relax with a cautionary tale murder ballad or two.  Or three.  As it turns out, my little village of North Carolina is chock full of them.  For instance...

 

THE LAWSON FAMILY MURDER by Doc Watson

At Christmas, 1929, a tobacco farmer named Charlie Lawson in Germanton, North Carolina, took his wife and seven children to town to get their pictures taken in their new clothes.  He then took them home and systematically, one by one, killed them all.  After using a shotgun to both shoot and bludgeon them, he positioned their bodies with their hands crossed against their chests and heads rested on a rock, as if they were sleeping.  Word of the tragedy spread and folks later found Charlie Lawson had shot himself in the woods with that very same shotgun.

Speculation on why Lawson murdered his entire family ran the gamut, from shame due to incest to a head injury to other suspicions.  No matter the cause, the song has passed through the ages, and