Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The holiday season is upon us. 

Some very ill-informed may tell you: hold up, holiday season doesn't start until Thanksgiving!  Calm yourself!  But these horrible wet blankets would be leaving out festivities that predate all other upcoming celebrations by a millennia or two.  I'm talking about Halloween, and it's the reason for the season.

Granted, it's a bit less fluffy than Christmas.  For on the days surrounding October 31, anything coming down the chimney will more or less be met with a machete.  While it does not attract throngs of family and/or loved ones, it does deliver throngs of strangers in costume to your door, begging for candy. 

Gone are the feasts, gone are the bells of the Salvation Army, gone is the heavy-handed solemnity accompanying the holiday, replacing any fun with guilt... There are no haunted house hayrides at Christmas.  Thanksgiving gives you pie, but little to no chance of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  I'll stab my eyes out with a butcher knife if I see It's A Wonderful Life one more time, but I've seen every Friday the 13th at least eight times.  Leaves are turning and that's magic.

But there is one aspect of the later holidays that reigns superior: the presents.  For those of us that

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

SYMPHONY FOR THE DEVIL: TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT SATAN

In order to prevent taking sides and to represent a "fair and balanced" point of view, it is only fair that we follow up any Top Ten Lists representing one group with a Top Ten List representing the other.  And, let's be honest, shouldn't this be a Top Twenty list?  While I whittle down the musical canon celebrating Lucifer, so many remain on the cutting room floor.

But these are songs.  We leave the deeds by the wayside.  We can revel in the glory of all that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit allegedly created, but it good cannot exist without evil, then should we not compare with the works from the other side?

Is the devil not credited with creating rock and roll?  Blues music?

If God gave us the gift of making love, do we thank Satan for the blowjob?

Jesus turned water to wine, but I'm more impressed with who turned water to bourbon.

Desserts are described interchangeably as "heavenly" and sinful."  "Angel Food Cake" competes with "Devil's Food Cake" on dessert menus.  There are more plants in the forest named for the dark prince than the fellers upstairs. 

More actors jump at the chance to play Satan than do God.  Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, and Elizabeth Hurley, among others, have all rocked it out as the devil, while only Morgan Freeman and George Burns really made any waves as the Creator.  (Should be noted that in Oh God, You Devil, Burns gets to play both parts...  just sayin')

So again, I am not taking any sides.  To pontificate on religion in this day and age is a good way to get your head cut off and I like mine right where it is.  My point, as always, is about the music.  And so in an effort to remain "fair and balanced," I present:

 

THE TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT SATAN


What kind of devil must Michael Hutchence possessed to go from pictures in girls' Trapper Keepers to autoerotic asphyxiation?  (AUTHOR'S NOTE: I still suspect Bob Geldoff.  Look into it.)

 


No, this is not a band led by the most annoying sportscaster in history, but rather the stage name of former Th' Legendary Shack Shakers guitarist and Hank III bassist, Jim Finkley.  Finkley has another distinction in what unfortunately gets termed "alt-country:" he and his ex-wife founded the downtown Nashville rockabilly hot-spot, Layla's.  While Joe Buck Yourself is no longer associated with the venue, there's still plenty of sinning to be found at the Broadway hotspot.

 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Praise This: Top Ten Songs About Jesus

Yes, he loves you.  This I know.  But churching and gospel singers and hymnals do not own the market on songs of the Christian leader.  In fact, many rock and rollers and blues musicians have found that Bible-thumping keeps pretty good time. 

So in order to keep my place in line, I offer this Holy Top Ten List.



Disillusionment came early in music as The Carter Family discovers that God doesn't have everything in heaven, as is commonly preached in the hills.  This sweet song from the First Family of Music documents the trials of a young child who longs to speak with their departed mother, only to find she's gone somewhere not even Verizon can reach you.



This song has it all.  Driving speed metal beat, lyrics belted by the son of Dallas' Mr. Peppermint, and spoken word offerings written by the greatest writer in the Southern Gothic pantheon.  The song, released in 1991, offers a point of view on Jesus' career previous to being a prophet. 

 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN MUSIC, MUSIC IN ADVERTISING, AND SELLING OR GETTING SOLD


(yet another Top Ten List... brought to you by Anemic Royalty Pharmaceuticals, Ltd.)

Just recently, the latest Dell commercial began with the post-Brit invasion guitar licks and nasal whine of The Strange Boys, an awesome band from Austin Dallas, Texas and my first reaction was surprise.  Somebody at Dell has some goddamn taste!  My second reaction: happiness.  For someone had given the Sambol boys a check. 

This is a far cry from the reaction I had the first time I heard my favorite Beatles song used in a tennis shoe ad.  No, for these days, commercials, soundtracks, and ad campaigns are the new A&R.  Thanks to someone deep down in the pits of some marketing agency with excellent taste in music, we are able to find a Geico commercial more palatable, and in return, an indie band can get enough gas in their van to make it from Wilmington to Asheville.  (You didn't think they traveled the world solely by the sales at the merch table, did you?  The $5 cover at the door when only ten people showed up?)  While I don't have any feelings one way or the other regarding any of those companies, I do thank them for giving these bands exposure they otherwise would not get.

Not exactly the story back in the old days, with Rice Krispies, 7-Up, or Hoverround chairs for old-timers.

Soundtracks have the same effect.  What more is HBO's True Blood than a chance to watch sexy, naked vampires get it on while listening to kick-ass music?  As long as people can stand to keep watching Sons of Anarchy on FX, Scott H. Biram and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club will keep getting recognition and hopefully some royalties.

I know what you are thinking.  Or perhaps, I should say I know what some of you are thinking.  And with all full disclosure, I am basing this assertion I had with an unnamed, dirty hippie-chick from a local band.  She took the position that these bands were selling out and had somehow compromised their music by accepting money from these corporate entities.  That somehow the message of the band that drove thousands of miles and played shitty bars for more than 45 weeks of the year to drunks (or inebriated die-hard fans, as I like to refer to myself) has altered because they took what basically amounts to "free money," if ever there were such a thing.

This same girl who lives on government handouts, her daddy's money, and produces records that, deep down inside, she hopes no one buys because she is truly "punk rock," chastises anyone who makes money honestly...

How different is this from the position Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys takes took?  In his will, he states that he bars the use of any and all of his work from ever appearing in advertising.   Is this the same man who likes to "rock my Adidas / never rock Fila?"  Not to sound grim -- and I grew up loving the Beastie Boys, despite them being New Yorkers -- but what if a Beastie Boys song helped promote awareness of stomach cancer?

It's not like anyone's had to change their brand or message by accepting these checks.  It's not like they've stooped to some nefarious corporation and are succumbing to their bidding all in the name of collecting some greenbacks.  While some ads have bordered on lack of taste, I can only imagine how life would have been if someone canned and marketed poke greens for Polk Salad, if a practicing physician were actually named Dr. Feelgood, or if Chuck Berry worked for the Memphis Visitors and Convention Bureau.  I myself have wondered why hospitals don't fight to name their infirmaries after St. James or why Dole or Chiquita never approached Billie Holliday for the rights of "Strange Fruit."

Indeed.

Selling out is a term used by junior high kids and hipster bands that never want to have an impact.  So be it.  I enjoy the fact that these bands are able to come to my neighborhood and that I can enjoy them live on my modest budget.  If I were a millionaire, I'd have them play my birthday party.  But I'm not, so I'll settle driving out to High Point next weekend to catch Wayne "The Train" in a shitty bar or up to Martin's Downtown in Roanoke for whatever they may stir up. 

So I promised a Top Ten list, didn't I?  Enough preaching...
TOP TEN SONGS FOR COMMERCIALIZATION

Oh hell yes it does.  While the two country kids from Arkansas faded into obscurity after a couple of high profile years with Capitol records, they knew two things: Fame can be fleeting and Girls Talk.  It wasn't a copyrighted product that Bobby Adamson and Woody Murray shilled in their 1955 bopping number, but rather their selves and their own sexuality. 


 How much can we say about cars in American culture?  Cars have shaped our culture, transforming us from strictly urban dwellers, to how we eat, to what time of year our television shows air.  Cars have been the number one advertisers since they competed with gasoline (which goes into cars) for spots on early TV.  Every brand seems to have an iconic song.  Ford gets some love from Reverend Horton Heat, Jaguar from the Who and Chuck Berry, and everybody who's anybody has sung about a Cadillac.  One of the sexiest cars, the Galaxie 500, gets some love from Drowning Lovers and Reverend Horton Heat.  Sam McGee does some old time with the Chevy and the Beach Boys broke free from the deuce coupe to sing about a two-wheeled Honda.  So with all of those, why on earth did I choose "Bitchin' Camaro," you ask?  Coin flip.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

THE WORLD COVERS LEAD BELLY

It could be argued that Huddie Ledbetter, also known to the world as Lead Belly, was one of the most influential musicians of all time.  While his songs, at the time of his death, were not number one sellers or tearing up the R&B charts, his prolific songwriting covered several different scopes, topics, and genres, which made it very easy for artists to cover his songs for decades to follow. 

Lead Belly learned music by traveling throughout Texas with Blind Lemon Jefferson.  He could play mandolin, harmonica, piano, accordion, and violin but was most associated with the twelve-string guitar.  He went to jail twice for murder and both times was rumored to have been paroled by playing music for the governor or the warden.  He achieved fame by riding with Alan and John Lomax and, in those travels, worked to preserve early black music for all of history.

Without Lead Belly's life, we would not have the versions of the following songs:

Note: While I am fully aware that Lead Belly did not author or originally record all of the following songs, often I have found that his recording is the most popular.  If at any point someone feels that I am neglecting the original songwriter or recording artist, please feel free to submit a correction. 
 

Not only is this one of the greatest songs for quitting your job, but this work song has seen so many different versions that it is sometimes hard to follow its descendants.  Many versions, like Big Bill's, manages to stay true to the original.  However others have recorded it as "Nine Pound Hammer," "Take it to the Captain," and even Johnny Cash's "Tell Him I'm Gone."

"COTTON FIELDS," covered by The Beach Boys

This song gets a surprising amount of attention from non-Southerners, which is something I would like someone to explore.  Creedence Clearwater Revival can be forgiven of course, since they ripped their entire act from Dixie.  However Harry Belafonte, The Beach Boys, and the Irish punk/folk group The Pogues had as much fun with it as did Elvis, The Carter Sisters and Webb Pierce. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

TOP TEN SONGS FOR PUTTING THE "FUN" BACK INTO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION


You know the old saying -- you've probably heard it before: "Don't worry... it happens to everyone."  At that point and time, you don't believe it.  You can't believe it.  Has everyone really been lying there in the dark with an unsatisfied woman/man and no ability to do anything about it?  Or what about having a woman/man who, on a scale of one to ten, is easily a twelve and she's rip-roaring and ready and you have to face a moral crisis about whether or not to tell her you currently are infested with creepy, crawly crabs?  What about that?  Does that happen to everyone?

I didn't write the Bible, but if I did, I would make that the new John 3:16.  For God so loved the world, that he equated good deeds with sexual heroics on command without use of pill, prayer or essence of rhino horn.  But that's not going to happen, is it?  No man who tinkered with the scribbling of Scripture ever bothered to make mention of one of the greatest sins of all time: sexual dysfunction.

So be not dismayed!  For although saints and apostles neglected to mention it, many very important songwriters did.  And next time you hear the words "It happens to everyone," rest assured that even if it didn't, Mick Jagger wrote a fucking song about it, which is good enough for me.  So pop a pill, say a prayer, and snort some rhino horn, but do it to some Rolling Stones or some Howlin' Wolf and get those "Rocks Off!"


It's hard enough out there, with all the pressures of performance to keep a good man erect during a... um, sermon.  What, with the stresses from work, the need to please, wondering if your butt looks good for the hidden camera... But add to all this a dirty yes ma'am and there is no quicker recipe for flaccidity.  But in the bedroom at the moment of conflagration is not the appropriate time to discuss such a topic.  Rather, as soon as you read this post -- hell, before you move on to #9 -- grab a little dab of vinegar and water and get in there and scrub out your yes ma'am.  Get it clean.  Because sometimes it's your fault.


So there is a pretty good chance that this one is a bit of a reach, but if you've ever dated a girl with recurring maladies, you end up giving her all kinds of nicknames.  Plus, how many times have you sat in the doctor's waiting room, itching away and singing "it burns, burns, burns..."  Now, in this context, please click on the link and listen to the song, lyric by lyric and tell me it's not applicable.  Puts June Carter Cash (rest her precious soul) in an entirely new light.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

RAPE OF THE YANG - In Response to Margaret Atwood's "Rape Fantasies"

It was during the Wednesday night poker game when they officially announced that the case against Kobe Bryant had been dropped. The girl wasn't going to testify. It wasn't like O.J. with the whole room erupting in either anger or jubilee. It was just a bunch of grumbles and half-raised brows. You didn't know which way to sway - you felt guilty about siding with a woman on this issue, but at the same time: you are a huge Dallas Mavericks fan. For the past year and a half, the entire city was only twelve jurors and a dominant center away from a championship.

But he got off. To me, the biggest issue at stake was a season's damnation of watching Bryant-to-Divac pick-and-rolls every night on SportsCenter. But to the men in that room, it meant something else entirely.

"I knew she was lying," says Tyson. Tyson hadn't won a hand all night, so his demeanor was shorter than it was as we were setting up the game. He usually gets this way about an hour into every game. He is what we call dead money.

"We don't know that she was," says Kennedy Smith. He's a lawyer, so his perception is often a bit more skewed. "Just because she dropped the case doesn't mean he's not guilty. I think you have to pay attention to the fact that the public servants that were in charge of prosecuting a rape case in a little town like Eagle, Colorado had to go up against the best defense that Kobe could buy.  That cased was doomed from the start.  The sad thing is that we may never know and this could have terrible repercussions for women in the future that are raped by athletes and too scared to come forward."

"It's your bet, Kennedy," says Tyson impatiently.  He's folded already and dying for the hand to finish so he can see if the next deal gives him the fingers to go all-in.

"She stood to make a lot of cash if she won," I say.  I had folded too and the hand, which had temporarily been disrupted by the breaking news, had already gone on too long.  "Imagine the money she would have taken from Kobe if she would have gone through with it and won."

A reverent moment passes among the men as they contemplate the money, some of them looking at their stacks of chips as if to put it into perspective.

"It makes you almost wish you were a woman," says Jackson Michaels.  "I'd get raped for a couple million dollars.  If I had to sit through bad sex for three minutes just knowing that at the end of it, I'd be a millionaire, I'd find a way to enjoy it."

"I'd let Lisa Leslie rape me for free," says Tyson.  "I would give her carte blanche in violating me however she wants."

"Men can't be raped," I say.  "It's impossible.  Physically, it's impossible."

"Like hell it is," says Kennedy, the lawyer.  "The same endorphins that activate a hard-on are produced when fear is induced.  That, compounded by the blatant insinuation of sex from a dominating woman in a position of complete control, would activate you expediently."

I'd known this guy for years.  Just because he went to law school gave him the right to be a pain in the ass while Jeopardy! was on or a crossword puzzle was in sight.

"So a man can be raped?" I ask.

"Sure," says Tyson.  "Haven't you ever seen Oz?  Or the Shawshank Redemption?" 

"I mean, by a woman?"

"Certainly," says Kennedy.  "It's entirely possible.  In fact, I fantasize about it all the time."